adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and holding it aloft for at least three seconds.

At approximately 3:45 p.m. Sunday, the pint-sized muscleman reportedly stunned the U.S. populace when he removed his T-shirt, walked confidently into his kitchen, located the 7-pound Perdue turkey his mother had just brought in from the family minivan and, without hesitating, deadlifted the frozen bird directly above his head.

The tiny strongman, 7.

"That is seriously one strong little kid," said awed Scottsdale, AZ resident Randall Harrington, 48, one of the millions of Americans who marveled last week when the freakishly powerful second-grader threw a tennis ball onto the roof of his two-story house. "Pound-for-pound, I honestly don't think there's a stronger boy on earth. I mean, that turkey had to weigh almost as much as him!"

"Have you felt his muscles?" Harrington continued, referring to Sartinsky's magnanimous habit of proffering his impressive biceps for adults to squeeze. "They're like solid rocks!"

Over the past few months, the miniature strongman has repeatedly topped himself in amazing feats of both endurance and brute strength. In October, Sartinsky amazed Americans everywhere when he leapt the chasm between his 5-year-old brother Felix's bed and his own, easily clearing the 3-foot gap. Then, in late November, the nation watched in astonishment as the boy-whirlwind appeared to defy the very laws of physics, climbing up the slippery metal slide at his school with nothing to assist him besides pure muscle power and sheer determination.

An informal poll found that 78 percent of U.S. citizens were most impressed when Sartinsky stripped down to his underwear and flexed in the bathroom mirror, 10 percent noted he was unbelievably fast—having handily bested his uncle Scott in a backyard footrace last spring—and 12 percent simply responded, "Oh, my, such a strong little man!"

"I didn't see him do it, but since he's probably the toughest little guy I've ever seen, I have no reason to doubt him when he says he did, like, 300 push-ups in a row one time," said Seattle-area office manager Mary Barnes, 34, referring to a recent conversation Sartinsky had with best friend Kyle Melcher, 7. "And after hearing about what he'd do to any burglars who broke into his house—well, for their sake, let's just hope that never happens."

Though Sartinsky denies having had anything to do with three of his mother's flower pots having been smashed on the family's back patio, many Americans doubt anyone but the tiny powerhouse could have had the immense strength necessary to carry out such an act.

Sartinsky's impressive brawn and unique abilities have already attracted the attention of military officials, who are currently considering the boy colossus a potential secret weapon against America's enemies.

"U.S. Special Ops may need Michael for some very high-priority, very top-secret missions in the future," Navy SEALs commander Rear Adm. Sean Pybus said. "Anyone who is that immensely strong and also that good at sneaking through the woods behind his house totally undetected could be a vital asset in dangerous covert operations deep within enemy territory."

"We've already been allocated funds to purchase as many chicken fingers as we can lay our hands on," Pybus added. "We know Michael can eat as many as six in one sitting due to the fact that he has the appetite of three normal boys his age, so we want him to have all the energy he needs should he ever be called upon to save his country."

Pybus refused to answer questions about whether U.S. Special Operations Command would look into allegations made by Sartinsky's sister Ellen, 10, who said Sartinsky cried after skinning his knee last summer, an accusation the young Hercules has vehemently and repeatedly denied.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close