adBlockCheck

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Top Headlines

Surprises

Plenti

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 15-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year.

Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner

'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to jus...

Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday’s upcoming PowerPoint presentation.

Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Surprises

Plenti

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and holding it aloft for at least three seconds.

At approximately 3:45 p.m. Sunday, the pint-sized muscleman reportedly stunned the U.S. populace when he removed his T-shirt, walked confidently into his kitchen, located the 7-pound Perdue turkey his mother had just brought in from the family minivan and, without hesitating, deadlifted the frozen bird directly above his head.

The tiny strongman, 7.

"That is seriously one strong little kid," said awed Scottsdale, AZ resident Randall Harrington, 48, one of the millions of Americans who marveled last week when the freakishly powerful second-grader threw a tennis ball onto the roof of his two-story house. "Pound-for-pound, I honestly don't think there's a stronger boy on earth. I mean, that turkey had to weigh almost as much as him!"

"Have you felt his muscles?" Harrington continued, referring to Sartinsky's magnanimous habit of proffering his impressive biceps for adults to squeeze. "They're like solid rocks!"

Over the past few months, the miniature strongman has repeatedly topped himself in amazing feats of both endurance and brute strength. In October, Sartinsky amazed Americans everywhere when he leapt the chasm between his 5-year-old brother Felix's bed and his own, easily clearing the 3-foot gap. Then, in late November, the nation watched in astonishment as the boy-whirlwind appeared to defy the very laws of physics, climbing up the slippery metal slide at his school with nothing to assist him besides pure muscle power and sheer determination.

An informal poll found that 78 percent of U.S. citizens were most impressed when Sartinsky stripped down to his underwear and flexed in the bathroom mirror, 10 percent noted he was unbelievably fast—having handily bested his uncle Scott in a backyard footrace last spring—and 12 percent simply responded, "Oh, my, such a strong little man!"

"I didn't see him do it, but since he's probably the toughest little guy I've ever seen, I have no reason to doubt him when he says he did, like, 300 push-ups in a row one time," said Seattle-area office manager Mary Barnes, 34, referring to a recent conversation Sartinsky had with best friend Kyle Melcher, 7. "And after hearing about what he'd do to any burglars who broke into his house—well, for their sake, let's just hope that never happens."

Though Sartinsky denies having had anything to do with three of his mother's flower pots having been smashed on the family's back patio, many Americans doubt anyone but the tiny powerhouse could have had the immense strength necessary to carry out such an act.

Sartinsky's impressive brawn and unique abilities have already attracted the attention of military officials, who are currently considering the boy colossus a potential secret weapon against America's enemies.

"U.S. Special Ops may need Michael for some very high-priority, very top-secret missions in the future," Navy SEALs commander Rear Adm. Sean Pybus said. "Anyone who is that immensely strong and also that good at sneaking through the woods behind his house totally undetected could be a vital asset in dangerous covert operations deep within enemy territory."

"We've already been allocated funds to purchase as many chicken fingers as we can lay our hands on," Pybus added. "We know Michael can eat as many as six in one sitting due to the fact that he has the appetite of three normal boys his age, so we want him to have all the energy he needs should he ever be called upon to save his country."

Pybus refused to answer questions about whether U.S. Special Operations Command would look into allegations made by Sartinsky's sister Ellen, 10, who said Sartinsky cried after skinning his knee last summer, an accusation the young Hercules has vehemently and repeatedly denied.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close