Nation Impressed By Large Pair Of Breasts

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

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Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

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Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls

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Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans

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Details Of Donald Trump’s Immigration Plan

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Huckabee Campaign Suspended After Candidate Trapped In Briar Patch

HOPE, AR—Saying all public appearances would be canceled until they could find a way to free the former Arkansas governor, officials announced Friday that Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign had been suspended due to the Republican candidate becoming trapped in a briar patch.

What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far

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Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

WASHINGTON—Calling the late-night horror film host well-suited for the job “and then some,” Vice President Joe Biden offered Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, an entry-level position within the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, White House sources confirmed Thursday.

How The GOP Can Appeal To Women

In light of Donald Trump’s controversial comments about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly and the Republican Party’s divisive views on Planned Parenthood, many are wondering how the party will win the female vote in next year’s presidential election.

Most Used Words In The GOP Debate

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Below are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

On Thursday night, the top 10 Republican presidential hopefuls gathered at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland to engage in the first primary debate. Here are the words and phrases used by the candidates, weighted by the frequency with which they appeared.

Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is

CLEVELAND—Noting that there are millions of entrepreneurs throughout the country who are in the same difficult position, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump responded to a question about the economy at Thursday night’s primary debate by sharing an anecdote about meeting a struggling small business owner who isn’t half the man he is.

What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

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Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

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After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Nation Impressed By Large Pair Of Breasts

Amid escalating war in the Balkans, tragedy in Colorado and rising global economic instability, the nation voiced its broadbased approval of a pair of enormous breasts Monday.

The prodigious, celebrated breasts.

The impressive 40DD set, widely regarded as the most significant to enter the American landscape in years, top the current national agenda and enjoy an overall public-approval rating of nearly 75 percent.

Soaring in popularity among Americans over the past 18 months, the L.A.-area duo has been seen on television, magazine covers and the Internet. The breasts' charismatic on-screen presence, sassy attitude and sheer physical size have helped them turn heads from coast to coast, winning millions of fans and setting off a national craze.

And, breast-industry insiders say, the trend shows no sign of cooling off any time soon.

Wowing audiences and critics alike with their unique mix of shapeliness and heft, the large, curvaceous mammaries continue to capture the hearts and minds of breast-loving Americans everywhere.

"These breasts have really struck a chord with the people of this country," said Entertainment Tonight co-host Bob Goen, whose show recently profiled the gravity-defying sensations. "America just can't seem to get enough of this truly incredible set of cans."

In 1984, amid the Cold War fears of the Reagan Era, the breasts first emerged, developing simultaneously during puberty. Their first appearance in the public eye, as part of Playboy's 1990 "Breasts Of Summer" pictorial, led to a guest spot on the popular ABC sitcom Five Wacky Dads as the breasts of "The Sexy Neighbor Lady." Though the role did not include dialogue, the reassuringly large breasts resonated with audiences gripped by Gulf War anxiety, and in the spring of 1991 were made a recurring character, which continued until the pair left the show in 1993.

In 1994, as gang violence continued to tear apart America's inner cities, the breasts landed their two biggest co-starring roles to that point, playing pairs of breasts in the Cinemax original thriller Prurient Intent and the action/adventure Ulterior Motive. But the films flopped, and the stardom of which the breasts had long dreamed failed to materialize. Undaunted, the pair continued to make ends meet as dancers on Fox's hip-hop/comedy-variety series Bring It! while waiting for their next big break.

The latest issue of <I>Maxim</I>, which features an 11-page cover profile of the famed breasts.

The next summer, while O.J. Simpson awaited trial for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, that break arrived when the plucky twosome beat out more than 60 top-notch pairs of breasts for the coveted sidekick spot on the hit MTV game show Nice Rack. Magazine covers, posters and guest spots on That Lifeguard Show followed. The pair even co-starred in their own short-lived sitcom, Twice As Nice.

But it was not until they landed roles as undersea villains on CBS's Aquaman—which made them the most downloaded pair of breasts in Internet history—that true superstardom arrived. By 1997, as news of the JonBenet Ramsey murder shocked the country, the breasts scored another huge success, this time in pop music, with the smash-hit single and video "Check Us Out Now (Two Times)." Meanwhile, supporting roles in such films as Gimme An A!, Fartz and Shitheads In Space continued to cement the pair's burgeoning celebrity status.

Today, with a new hit series, Miniskirt Action Squad, and a Golden Globe Award each for their roles opposite comedian Norm Macdonald in last summer's hit comedy Where's My Shorts?, the pair is huger than ever. And even as government scandal and partisan infighting polarize the country, this awesome set of breasts has become a full-blown, unstoppable multimedia juggernaut.

But just what is the secret of the pair's enduring fame?

"As the turmoil of our fragmenting society continues to erode our basic human values, these breasts really hit home for a nation eager to stare at a huge honkin' set of big ol' whoppers," Norman Mailer wrote in a recent Esquire cover story on the pair. "The reassuring presence of this enormous pair of mamajamas is something all Americans, from every walk of life, can relate to."

According to noted author and cultural critic Camille Paglia, much of the credit for the duo's resonance with audiences can be attributed to their duality.

"The breasts' swollen, fertile exterior appeals to a Middle America that is eager for wholesome nurturing and sees them as 'the breasts next door.' Yet, with their surgically enhanced excess and menacing, high-tech implants lurking just beneath the surface, this pair plays to a powerful undercurrent of Silicon Valley cyber-age paranoia," Paglia said. "With their bouncy, friendly exterior and deeper underlying plasticity, these two huge breasts are as American as apple pie or air-to-surface missiles."

Whatever the reason, audiences love the breasts like no pair before. "I remember when the federal building in Oklahoma City was bombed, it felt like the very fabric of our society was coming apart around me," said electrician Donald Grohe of Davenport, IA, gazing unblinkingly at the breasts bouncing in slow motion on his television. "But when I saw the big, exciting breasts, I knew in my heart that everything would be okay. They've done so much for me, I just wish I could reach out and give them a big hug."

"Those breasts are survivors," said Buffalo, NY, homemaker Ellen Seimslich, who lost her son to toxic-waste-contaminated drinking water last year. "Whenever I feel like I can't make it, I think of how the breasts have made it through hard times too, like their tempestuous, short-lived marriage to tattooed '80s bad-boy rocker Jimmy Rippz, and it brings me strength."

"I love the outfits, too," Seimslich added.

As millions of Americans can attest, the breasts are truly an icon for our age. As we approach the new millennium, the future is increasingly unclear. But whether it brings militarized school zones, a crackdown on civil liberties, or worldwide economic and environmental disaster, one thing is certain: We will continue to hold this large pair of breasts close to our hearts.