adBlockCheck

Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends

Top Headlines

Recent News

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends

NEW YORK—Delirium swept the nation this summer as the release of the seventh and final Harry Potter novel sent millions of Americans into a frenzy over some little wizard boy and all his flying wizard buddies going on another one of their little wizard adventures.

WIZARD FEVER: Just look at all the people in their pointy wizard hats.

Thousands lined up at bookstores to purchase the fanciful tale, which chronicles the exploits of the adolescent wizard with his pointy hat and glasses, as he and his magical little friends go traipsing into the forbidden forest and attempt to defeat the evil Hufflestuff people with the sword of destiny, magic potions, and other such fantasy dragon bullshit.

"I can't wait to see what happens to Harry!" said Boston resident Julie Nolsteen, 28, just one of many grown adults with an unbridled desire to read about child sorcerers playing with their little cauldrons and frolicking around reciting magical spells.

Nolsteen proceeded to rub her hands together with anticipation and ponder the fate of her favorite character, some guy named Dumblededoo or something.

The entire nation has been all worked up ever since J.K. Rowling announced that she would be concluding the series, with men and women waiting with bated breath to see if all the tiny little wizards were going to do all their crazy magic curses again. Message boards flooded with comments from fans who eagerly wondered whether the wizard boy was going to be eaten by mean old witches, or if he and all his mystical pals were going to find the fairy crystal and have themselves a grand old wizard time.

"This is the most important book in the history of literature," wrote one man wearing a robe with moons and stars on it, who was clearly unable to conceal his enthusiasm for flying horses and magic dust. "I hope Lord Voldemort loses!"

Although the fervor has subsided since the book's release this summer, the promise of a new Harry Potter film next year has already gotten the whole country excited beyond all reason to see the little wizard boy fly around on his little broomstick for two and a half hours.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close