Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

Nation In Frenzy About Little Wizard Boy And All His Little Wizard Friends

NEW YORK—Delirium swept the nation this summer as the release of the seventh and final Harry Potter novel sent millions of Americans into a frenzy over some little wizard boy and all his flying wizard buddies going on another one of their little wizard adventures.

WIZARD FEVER: Just look at all the people in their pointy wizard hats.

Thousands lined up at bookstores to purchase the fanciful tale, which chronicles the exploits of the adolescent wizard with his pointy hat and glasses, as he and his magical little friends go traipsing into the forbidden forest and attempt to defeat the evil Hufflestuff people with the sword of destiny, magic potions, and other such fantasy dragon bullshit.

"I can't wait to see what happens to Harry!" said Boston resident Julie Nolsteen, 28, just one of many grown adults with an unbridled desire to read about child sorcerers playing with their little cauldrons and frolicking around reciting magical spells.

Nolsteen proceeded to rub her hands together with anticipation and ponder the fate of her favorite character, some guy named Dumblededoo or something.

The entire nation has been all worked up ever since J.K. Rowling announced that she would be concluding the series, with men and women waiting with bated breath to see if all the tiny little wizards were going to do all their crazy magic curses again. Message boards flooded with comments from fans who eagerly wondered whether the wizard boy was going to be eaten by mean old witches, or if he and all his mystical pals were going to find the fairy crystal and have themselves a grand old wizard time.

"This is the most important book in the history of literature," wrote one man wearing a robe with moons and stars on it, who was clearly unable to conceal his enthusiasm for flying horses and magic dust. "I hope Lord Voldemort loses!"

Although the fervor has subsided since the book's release this summer, the promise of a new Harry Potter film next year has already gotten the whole country excited beyond all reason to see the little wizard boy fly around on his little broomstick for two and a half hours.