Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Inspired By Bravery Of Teen Just Wearing Bikini Right Into McDonald’s

WASHINGTON—Deeply moved by her boldness under such circumstances, citizens from around the country were reportedly inspired Thursday by the bravery of a teenager who walked into a local McDonald’s wearing only a bikini. “She strode right up to the counter in just this two-piece and placed her order—I mean, that takes some real courage,” said Denise Klimpf, one of the millions of admiring Americans who noticed that the intrepid teen had not draped a towel over her bare shoulders or covered her bikini bottom in a sarong or even denim cutoffs. “She came in, got exactly what she wanted, and walked to her booth without an ounce of self-consciousness. Then later on, like it was nothing, she strolled three-quarters of the way across the restaurant to get a soda refill. Man, I’d kill for that kind of confidence.” Reached for comment, the teenager said she could tell everyone was judging her and would definitely be using the drive-thru window next time.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.