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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Engrossed by the competitive game’s odd rituals and strange rules, Americans across the country reportedly expressed fascination Wednesday upon discovering the bizarre Olympic sport of hockey. “From what I can tell, it’s this weird foreign ice sport with a lot of sticks, but it’s really interesting watching everyone chase after this little black disc,” said Bellevue, NE resident Lucas Castillo, 32, who was captivated by the strange intermissions when a loud siren blared, the competitors left the playing field, and a mascot entertained the crowd by driving a funny vehicle on the ice.“I can kind of follow it, but I never really know what’s going on. Players try to put the disc in the net, but they have to avoid crossing weird lines on the ice or something. It’s one of those things that’s fun to watch during the Olympics, but it’s easy to see why it hasn’t caught on like handball.” Despite their mild interest in the sport, Americans unanimously confirmed that there’s no way hockey could ever gain widespread popularity in the United States.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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