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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Engrossed by the competitive game’s odd rituals and strange rules, Americans across the country reportedly expressed fascination Wednesday upon discovering the bizarre Olympic sport of hockey. “From what I can tell, it’s this weird foreign ice sport with a lot of sticks, but it’s really interesting watching everyone chase after this little black disc,” said Bellevue, NE resident Lucas Castillo, 32, who was captivated by the strange intermissions when a loud siren blared, the competitors left the playing field, and a mascot entertained the crowd by driving a funny vehicle on the ice.“I can kind of follow it, but I never really know what’s going on. Players try to put the disc in the net, but they have to avoid crossing weird lines on the ice or something. It’s one of those things that’s fun to watch during the Olympics, but it’s easy to see why it hasn’t caught on like handball.” Despite their mild interest in the sport, Americans unanimously confirmed that there’s no way hockey could ever gain widespread popularity in the United States.

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