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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Engrossed by the competitive game’s odd rituals and strange rules, Americans across the country reportedly expressed fascination Wednesday upon discovering the bizarre Olympic sport of hockey. “From what I can tell, it’s this weird foreign ice sport with a lot of sticks, but it’s really interesting watching everyone chase after this little black disc,” said Bellevue, NE resident Lucas Castillo, 32, who was captivated by the strange intermissions when a loud siren blared, the competitors left the playing field, and a mascot entertained the crowd by driving a funny vehicle on the ice.“I can kind of follow it, but I never really know what’s going on. Players try to put the disc in the net, but they have to avoid crossing weird lines on the ice or something. It’s one of those things that’s fun to watch during the Olympics, but it’s easy to see why it hasn’t caught on like handball.” Despite their mild interest in the sport, Americans unanimously confirmed that there’s no way hockey could ever gain widespread popularity in the United States.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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