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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Engrossed by the competitive game’s odd rituals and strange rules, Americans across the country reportedly expressed fascination Wednesday upon discovering the bizarre Olympic sport of hockey. “From what I can tell, it’s this weird foreign ice sport with a lot of sticks, but it’s really interesting watching everyone chase after this little black disc,” said Bellevue, NE resident Lucas Castillo, 32, who was captivated by the strange intermissions when a loud siren blared, the competitors left the playing field, and a mascot entertained the crowd by driving a funny vehicle on the ice.“I can kind of follow it, but I never really know what’s going on. Players try to put the disc in the net, but they have to avoid crossing weird lines on the ice or something. It’s one of those things that’s fun to watch during the Olympics, but it’s easy to see why it hasn’t caught on like handball.” Despite their mild interest in the sport, Americans unanimously confirmed that there’s no way hockey could ever gain widespread popularity in the United States.

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