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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Nation Just Finding Out That Flyers Came Back From 3-0 Deficit By Reading This Right Now

BOSTON—The Philadelphia Flyers came back from three games down to defeat the Boston Bruins in their best-of-seven playoff series last week, a historic feat neither you nor the rest of the country knew about until reading this. "It feels amazing," Flyers goalie Michael Leighton said after his team, on the road for Game 7 and down by three goals, fought back to win, causing millions to drop their jaws, primarily because it was a stunning achievement, but also because they could not believe that this very moment is the first time they've heard anything about it. "The most recent team I can remember that did something this special was the 2004 Red Sox and [everyone and their mother knows about that, but don't forget, the Red Sox blew out the Yankees in Game 7 of the ALCS, and therefore this is actually more impressive]." When asked to respond to its newfound hockey knowledge, the nation seemed impressed, although it somehow felt it was not nearly as impressed as it should be.

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