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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault. “Clearly, something doesn’t add up about that kid, but I can’t quite put my finger on it,” said Salt Lake City resident Bethany Robbins, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans made uncomfortable by the combination of the boy’s bowl haircut, unnaturally erect posture, and unflinching stare. “Maybe it’s the strange tone of his voice? Or the way he swings his hands when he walks? Like, just a little too much. Whatever’s going on, it’s simply not normal.” Reached for comment, Nault reportedly narrowed his eyes and smiled slowly using only one side of his mouth.

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