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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault. “Clearly, something doesn’t add up about that kid, but I can’t quite put my finger on it,” said Salt Lake City resident Bethany Robbins, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans made uncomfortable by the combination of the boy’s bowl haircut, unnaturally erect posture, and unflinching stare. “Maybe it’s the strange tone of his voice? Or the way he swings his hands when he walks? Like, just a little too much. Whatever’s going on, it’s simply not normal.” Reached for comment, Nault reportedly narrowed his eyes and smiled slowly using only one side of his mouth.

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