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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds

WASHINGTON—Following reports Sunday that the source of the leaked National Security Agency surveillance practices is 29-year-old government contractor Edward Snowden, polls revealed today that beyond concerns about privacy, Americans are primarily distressed that sensitive government programs are apparently being managed by kids who were still in high school when 9/11 happened. “Sure, this raises troubling questions about liberty and security, but what’s really bothering me here is that there are people in very high positions handling national security matters of grave importance who are the same age as my son,” Virginia resident Karen Linder said of the Gen-Y whistleblower. “He’s had, what, six years of experience? Let’s get some older guys in there. How about someone in his 40s who’s lived a little bit, who’s maybe old enough to have voted in more than two elections.” Linder went on to add that she was, however, impressed that the millennial had a job.

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