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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him. “He’s not bad or anything, he just kind of, well, he’s just Mark,” said Jennifer Dolan of Union, NJ, who, along with the rest of the American populace, attested to the fact that Mark dresses pretty normal and has a regular haircut and is “just, you know” before trailing off and shrugging. “It’s just hard to pinpoint. Maybe he’s slightly taller than average, but I’m not sure. Yeah, like I said, it’d probably be better if you just met him.” At press time, all 323 million Americans added that he was a little bit like Jeff but not really.

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