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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them

WASHINGTON―Saying the White House contenders have been coming on strong and seem unable to take a hint, the nation told reporters Monday it was unsure what signals it had given off to make the 2016 candidates for president of the United States think it would be into them. “I thought I was pretty clear from the start about my lack of interest in these candidates, but apparently they’ve gotten the impression that I want to get to know them better,” said Erica Lockworth, a registered voter in Centerville, OH, adding that she can’t remember saying or doing anything that would have led the office-seekers to believe she’d be receptive to their advances. “They’ve been really trying to sweet-talk me and win me over―they’re actually getting a little aggressive about it. The whole situation is awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for them, to be honest. I’m flattered and everything, but I just don’t see anything worthwhile ever happening between us.” The nation added that it found the presidential contenders’ behavior especially off-putting given that it was widely known the candidates were already involved in an intimate relationship with wealthy special interests.

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