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Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them

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Election 2016

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

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Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

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Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
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Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them

WASHINGTON―Saying the White House contenders have been coming on strong and seem unable to take a hint, the nation told reporters Monday it was unsure what signals it had given off to make the 2016 candidates for president of the United States think it would be into them. “I thought I was pretty clear from the start about my lack of interest in these candidates, but apparently they’ve gotten the impression that I want to get to know them better,” said Erica Lockworth, a registered voter in Centerville, OH, adding that she can’t remember saying or doing anything that would have led the office-seekers to believe she’d be receptive to their advances. “They’ve been really trying to sweet-talk me and win me over―they’re actually getting a little aggressive about it. The whole situation is awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for them, to be honest. I’m flattered and everything, but I just don’t see anything worthwhile ever happening between us.” The nation added that it found the presidential contenders’ behavior especially off-putting given that it was widely known the candidates were already involved in an intimate relationship with wealthy special interests.

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