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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them

WASHINGTON―Saying the White House contenders have been coming on strong and seem unable to take a hint, the nation told reporters Monday it was unsure what signals it had given off to make the 2016 candidates for president of the United States think it would be into them. “I thought I was pretty clear from the start about my lack of interest in these candidates, but apparently they’ve gotten the impression that I want to get to know them better,” said Erica Lockworth, a registered voter in Centerville, OH, adding that she can’t remember saying or doing anything that would have led the office-seekers to believe she’d be receptive to their advances. “They’ve been really trying to sweet-talk me and win me over―they’re actually getting a little aggressive about it. The whole situation is awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for them, to be honest. I’m flattered and everything, but I just don’t see anything worthwhile ever happening between us.” The nation added that it found the presidential contenders’ behavior especially off-putting given that it was widely known the candidates were already involved in an intimate relationship with wealthy special interests.

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