adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Not Sure What Signals It Gave Off To Make Candidates Think It Would Be Into Them

WASHINGTON―Saying the White House contenders have been coming on strong and seem unable to take a hint, the nation told reporters Monday it was unsure what signals it had given off to make the 2016 candidates for president of the United States think it would be into them. “I thought I was pretty clear from the start about my lack of interest in these candidates, but apparently they’ve gotten the impression that I want to get to know them better,” said Erica Lockworth, a registered voter in Centerville, OH, adding that she can’t remember saying or doing anything that would have led the office-seekers to believe she’d be receptive to their advances. “They’ve been really trying to sweet-talk me and win me over―they’re actually getting a little aggressive about it. The whole situation is awkward, and I feel kind of embarrassed for them, to be honest. I’m flattered and everything, but I just don’t see anything worthwhile ever happening between us.” The nation added that it found the presidential contenders’ behavior especially off-putting given that it was widely known the candidates were already involved in an intimate relationship with wealthy special interests.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close