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Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit

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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

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Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

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Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

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Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

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Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

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Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

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Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

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Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

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GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit

NEW YORK—Following an Aug. 28 rally in Washington, D.C. attended by an estimated 87,000 Americans, experts confirmed this week that the U.S. populace appears to have fallen under the spell of yet another pink-faced half-wit.

The latest pink-faced half-wit.

The most recent pink-faced halfwit has reportedly captured the popular imagination through the conventional vehicles of a nationally syndicated talk-radio program and a cable news television show. According to media analyst Rebecca Ellington, the pink-faced half-wit has mesmerized the nation by spewing out hundreds of predictably reactionary and emotion≠ally manipulative on-air diatribes.

"This particular pink-faced half-wit is at the height of his persuasive powers," Ellington said of the bloated, hateful multimillionaire. "By exploiting citizens' greatest anxieties during an uncertain time in our nation's history, the pink-faced half-wit has been able to promote his own vain, avaricious self-interests under the guise of standing up for the very disenfranchised people whom he himself is fleecing."

"I've seen a number of pink-faced half-wits during my career, and in the pantheon of bombastic demagogues, this one will surely be remembered as one of the most disgusting," Ellington continued. "It's truly extraordinary: He may well be too ambitious and narcissistic to be able to comprehend how much damage he is doing to our country."

According to scholars, pink-faced half-wits have had remarkable staying power throughout history despite their outlandish, easily debunked claims, shameless self-promotion, and complete lack of credentials. More often than not, experts said, these pasty, shallow dullards skillfully manage to control debate on the most important social and political topics of the day.

Droves of supporters arrived in Washington to show their support for the pink-faced half-wit.

"Anytime followers heed his advice and do something illegal, [the pink-faced half-wit] can simply claim that his work is intended only for entertainment purposes," said Ellington, proffering a copy of the current pink-faced half-wit's inane ghostwritten thriller The Overton Window, a thinly veiled conduit for an untenable and potentially dangerous fringe ideological message. "This leaves them free to wield their truly baffling influence in incredibly irresponsible ways without fear of accountability."

Dr. David Snider, a media historian and author of the book Frothing, Shouting Dim-Bulbs: An American Tradition, said that the current porcine loudmouth is the latest in a long line of pink-faced half-wits that began in the 1930s with the incendiary radio broadcasts of Father Charles Coughlin, a pink-faced half-wit Roman Catholic priest.

According to Snider, this original pink-faced half-wit exploited the Great Depression to foment his message of virulent anti-Semitism—a tactic of shamelessly preying upon American misery and misfortune that has since been employed by nearly every pink-faced, intellectually corrupt piece of shit asshole to open his fat, disgusting pig mouth since.

"These jowly nitwits are characterized by their false sense of moral superiority, as evidenced by the rash of philandering TV evangelists from the 1980s," said Snider, referring to a subset of pink-faced half-wits who took advantage of people's faith in a higher power to steal millions of dollars from them. "In recent years, there has been a new breed of equally vociferous, foaming morons who espouse opposing viewpoints but use identical tactics: the prime example being that pink-faced Michael Moore half-wit."

Snider said most pink-faced half-wits eventually expose their nauseating, self-aggrandizing nature. He warned, however, that this is not always the case, and was careful to point out that the king of the pink-faced half-wits has, despite his hypocritical condemnations of drug abuse, weathered a very public OxyContin addiction, not to mention multiple statements of outright racism.

"Almost invariably, the pink-faced half-wit becomes so arrogant and self-important that he actually starts to believe the bullshit streaming from his fleshy hole and comes to think of himself as invincible," Snider said. "If history is any indication, this latest ruddy, pabulum-spewing cretin will likely have a homosexual affair come to light or otherwise perjure himself in a way that will alienate all but his most fanatical followers."

"Of course, there will be a new pink-faced halfwit to pick up the baton and employ oversimplified jingoistic polemics to once again enchant terrified people seeking easy answers," Snider added. "And America will be right there ready to eat it up."

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