Nation Outraged By CSU Student-Council Decision

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Vol 35 Issue 40

That Guy From That One Show To Make Guest Appearance On That Other Show

DECATUR, GA—According to a report from local Chik-Fil-A cashier Len Baxter, that dude on that one show about the guy who can see into the future is going to be on that other show with the two chicks who are undercover cops. "Supposedly, he's playing the blonde one's cousin or something," Baxter told co-workers Monday at the fast-food restaurant, "so he's not the same guy he plays on his show. It's not, like, a combination of the two shows." The highly anticipated episode airs this Friday, though Baxter conceded that he may watch the one about the reporter and the rollerblading dog instead.

Jesus-Loving Co-Worker Believes She's Not Alone At Lunch Table

POCATELLO, ID—Sitting by herself at a table in the Pocatello Tool Works lunchroom, devout Christian Brenda Smolensk announced Monday that she is "convinced beyond any doubt" that she is not alone. "Oh, there may not be anybody sitting to my right, my left or anywhere else at this table," Smolensk said, "but He is with me." Smolensk's co-workers said her overwhelming love of Christ is the reason for her lack of companionship. "We used to sit with her," co-worker Don Inkster said, "but she wouldn't shut up about Jesus and the Bible and stuff. Now we wait for her to sit down before deciding where to eat." Smolensk is also convinced she did not spend last Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter and Thanksgiving alone.

Quaker Oats Assembly-Line Worker Fired For 'Oops! All Berries' Incident

DE KALB, IL—Richard Karl, a 47-year-old assembly-line worker at Quaker Oats' Cap'n Crunch With Crunchberries plant in De Kalb, was fired Monday following an "Oops! All Berries" mishap." "This cereal is supposed to have a yellow-piece-to-Crunchberry ratio of 4:1," Quaker spokeswoman Melissa Dyer said. "But Mr. Karl failed to pull the lever that sends the yellow bits down the chute into the big funnel, so there aren't any in Monday's entire batch of cereal. It's all Crunchberries." Added Dyer: "What are we going to do with all these boxes of pure Crunchberries? You'd have to really love Crunchberries to want to eat these."

Cell-Phone User Promises Girlfriend, Entire Post Office He'll Try To Change

RALEIGH, NC—Speaking on his cell phone while waiting in line to buy stamps Monday, Brad McCall assured girlfriend Stephanie Green, as well as 14 customers and six postal workers at the Jefferson Street Post Office, that he will do everything in his power to change. "Things have just been so messed-up for me lately with all the stuff that's been going on. I know I haven't been myself," he explained to Green and the crowd of strangers. "But all that's gonna change soon." McCall also told fellow post-office patrons that if getting a place together is what it takes to make her feel like he is committed, he is "totally willing."

Ideas That Made Me Millions

Astute readers—of which I have nearly none, as you are a pack of Judas-livered, porridge-pantsed, mung-brained tit-mice—know that I am renowned throughout the Republic for my formidable business acumen. And though my fame and fortune spring mainly from my able helms-manship of The Onion news-paper, I have had many successful marketing ventures over the years. I certainly didn't get to be the East Coast's fore-most miser by depending on your literacy, you know!
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Nation Outraged By CSU Student-Council Decision

FORT COLLINS, CO—Across the U.S., citizens are expressing outrage over the Colorado State University student council's decision to slash the Campus Multicultural Center's per-semester funding from $850 to $400.

Members of the Campus Multicultural Center, whose loss of funding at the hands of the CSU student council has outraged millions of Americans.

"CMC organizers worked tirelessly for two whole semesters to get that center up and running," said 47-year-old Pensacola, FL, dentist Joseph Kellner, taping "Stay Centered... Save The CMC!" flyers to telephone poles and light posts in his neighborhood. "But now the student council is pulling the rug out from under their feet just as they're getting going."

Kellner is just one of millions of Americans taking an interest in this campus controversy, which has gripped the nation since Oct. 28, when The Colorado State Herald printed a column calling the campus council "racist, homophobic, misogynist and Eurocentric."

"[CMC co-directors] Dinesh [Ghouri] and Sarah [Freeman] went to a ton of student-council meetings," New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani said. "And nothing was ever said about cutting the center's budget until the very last minute. That was obviously intentional."

Located on the third floor of the Weiler Library, the CMC office features books by writers of color, a campus-events announcement board, and a video lending library featuring such titles as What's Your Worldview? and Together As One. In addition, according to a sign on the door, the center provides a crucial "safe space" for ethnic minorities, women and members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.

Though the CMC is visited only by an average of 10 students per week, its supporters insist that the number of visitors will grow if the CMC has the funding necessary to expand its resources.

"How's the center ever supposed to serve a varied population of students if it can't get money for new books and posters and stuff?" asked U.S. Secretary of Defense William Cohen. "The CSU football team would never have to go without equipment. That just shows you how messed-up that school's priorities are."

"Colorado State needs to allow for other voices," Cohen added. "Despite what you might have learned, history wasn't made only by rich white men."

Despite such strong support for the CMC, some U.S. political leaders are siding with the council.

Said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott: "The student council is trying very hard to serve the entire student body and spend its limited budget on what is best for the greatest number of students. For example, they're planning on having Ben Folds Five play a free show in the spring."

"Anyway," Lott added, "the council is letting the CMC keep that meeting space in the library. The Free East Timor group doesn't even have that."

Still, others suspect that the real reason for the drastic reduction of CMC funding has not even been acknowledged.

"I believe this has to do with the fact that student-council president Brett Lund, a former supporter of the center, recently broke up with Sarah's roommate Lisa," said Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. "If this is Brett's way of getting back at her, that's a really shitty move on his part."

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