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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nation Outraged By CSU Student-Council Decision

FORT COLLINS, CO—Across the U.S., citizens are expressing outrage over the Colorado State University student council's decision to slash the Campus Multicultural Center's per-semester funding from $850 to $400.

Members of the Campus Multicultural Center, whose loss of funding at the hands of the CSU student council has outraged millions of Americans.

"CMC organizers worked tirelessly for two whole semesters to get that center up and running," said 47-year-old Pensacola, FL, dentist Joseph Kellner, taping "Stay Centered... Save The CMC!" flyers to telephone poles and light posts in his neighborhood. "But now the student council is pulling the rug out from under their feet just as they're getting going."

Kellner is just one of millions of Americans taking an interest in this campus controversy, which has gripped the nation since Oct. 28, when The Colorado State Herald printed a column calling the campus council "racist, homophobic, misogynist and Eurocentric."

"[CMC co-directors] Dinesh [Ghouri] and Sarah [Freeman] went to a ton of student-council meetings," New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani said. "And nothing was ever said about cutting the center's budget until the very last minute. That was obviously intentional."

Located on the third floor of the Weiler Library, the CMC office features books by writers of color, a campus-events announcement board, and a video lending library featuring such titles as What's Your Worldview? and Together As One. In addition, according to a sign on the door, the center provides a crucial "safe space" for ethnic minorities, women and members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.

Though the CMC is visited only by an average of 10 students per week, its supporters insist that the number of visitors will grow if the CMC has the funding necessary to expand its resources.

"How's the center ever supposed to serve a varied population of students if it can't get money for new books and posters and stuff?" asked U.S. Secretary of Defense William Cohen. "The CSU football team would never have to go without equipment. That just shows you how messed-up that school's priorities are."

"Colorado State needs to allow for other voices," Cohen added. "Despite what you might have learned, history wasn't made only by rich white men."

Despite such strong support for the CMC, some U.S. political leaders are siding with the council.

Said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott: "The student council is trying very hard to serve the entire student body and spend its limited budget on what is best for the greatest number of students. For example, they're planning on having Ben Folds Five play a free show in the spring."

"Anyway," Lott added, "the council is letting the CMC keep that meeting space in the library. The Free East Timor group doesn't even have that."

Still, others suspect that the real reason for the drastic reduction of CMC funding has not even been acknowledged.

"I believe this has to do with the fact that student-council president Brett Lund, a former supporter of the center, recently broke up with Sarah's roommate Lisa," said Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. "If this is Brett's way of getting back at her, that's a really shitty move on his part."

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