Nation Plunges Into Chaos

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2000 Election

Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo

GRAND RAPIDS, MI– Renee Wilkins, 4, was subjected to a painful, elaborate hairdo at the hands of her mother Monday. "Look how pretty my baby looks," said Chanté Wilkins, 31, after spending three hours meticulously braiding her daughter's hair and stringing 250 multicolored plastic beads onto the braids. "Doesn't she look just like Venus Williams?" Ever since the completion of the elaborate procedure, the child has worn a stocking cap to muffle the beads' ceaseless clacking sound.

Strom Thurmond Begins Preparing Cabinet

WASHINGTON, DC– With the presidential-succession crisis threatening to drag on for months, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) began the process of assembling his Cabinet Monday. "See here, I believe I'll take Lester Maddox as my Secretary of War," said the 97-year-old Thurmond, who, as president pro tempore of the Senate, is second in line for the White House if the president-elect is not determined by Inauguration Day. "And that Orval Faubus would do a fine job as Secretary of Slaves, he surely would." Thurmond said he has not yet decided who would head the Department of Cows and Chickens.

Recount Reveals Nader Defeated

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A third recount by Florida election officials has "definitively determined" that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader was defeated in the state. "There was a very significant 25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount," Florida Attorney General Jim Smith said. "We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes." It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.

Hypothetical Question Clearly Not Hypothetical

YUMA, AZ– Brad Thorstadt was rattled Monday, when hiking partner and longtime friend Ken Daniels asked him a hypothetical question that clearly was not hypothetical. "What the hell did he mean by, 'Hypothetically speaking, if you and Cheryl were into threesomes, would you consider me?'" Thorstadt asked. "That's not the kind of thing you just ask hypothetically." Thorstadt added that he likes Daniels and everything, but damn.

Area Man A Walking Encyclopedia Of Everything Except Leading A Normal Life

ODESSA, TX– Gene Weldon, 34, was praised by friends and family Monday for his expertise on dog breeding, spelunking, and countless other subjects except leading a normal life. "One time, I asked Gene what he thought about the recent market fluctuations, and he gives this long lecture on the history of the Nikkei Index," friend Mindy Becker said. "With a body of knowledge like that, you'd think he'd at least own a car." Cousin Mike Framisch agreed, saying, "For a guy with no regular full-time job, he knows an awful lot about the ecosystem of the Marianas Trench."

I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze

Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. At my house, it's my wife Emily. She's got to have her little bowl of Hershey's Kisses in the living room. She can't go shopping without bringing home some chocolate ice cream or a chocolate-cake mix. She's even got a funny little sweatshirt that says, "My Name Is Emily, And I'm A Chocoholic."

A Portentous Estate Sale

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of this news-paper's mid-continental distribution district. This transaction was conceived as a way to shore-up the paper's dwindling cash reserves. I still believe my asking price of $20 million and the marriage-hand of Lillian Gish was more than fair, but to date I have received no letters of inquiry. God damn my fellow plutocrats for the weak-willed, lily-livered cheap-skates they are!

Government-Publications Enthusiast Makes Pilgrimage To Pueblo, CO

PUEBLO, CO– Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Kim Cheever of Ames, IA, made a pilgrimage Tuesday to Pueblo's Federal Consumer Information Center. "This is the happiest moment of my life," said Cheever, touring the center that has produced informative government leaflets for the past 30 years. "To think that pamphlets like 'Making The Updated Tax Code Work For You' were dreamed up right here." Cheever ended her visit with a stop at the gift shop, where she purchased a copy of the classic 1972 brochure "Preparing For The Metric Conversion" and a rare misprint edition of "Raising Poultry For Meat And Eggs."
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Nation Plunges Into Chaos

WASHINGTON, DC–Presidential-election-related violence continued to spread across the nation Tuesday, with Day Seven of the battle for the White House claiming another 1,200 lives.

Riot police advance through downtown Miami, where clashes between Gore and Bush factions left 23 dead Monday night.

In Bush-controlled Tennessee, news of Gore's call for a sixth recount in the disputed territory of Florida sparked full-scale rioting, with Republican militiamen setting fire to Gore's heavily fortified Nashville compound. It is believed Gore running mate Joseph Lieberman was trapped in the blaze, though his whereabouts and status were unknown as of press time.

In Austin, Democrats continued to clash with armed Bush troops outside the Texas capitol. Inside, the Bush family waited for news on the welfare and whereabouts of Dick Cheney, who was carried off by a band of NARAL Reproductive-Freedom Fighters.

Washington sources reported via short-wave radio that the city is littered with burning and abandoned National Guard tanks. The last D.C. television transmissions, which were broadcast at 11:22 p.m. EST Monday, showed the drowned bodies of more than 200 Young Republicans in the National Mall's cyanide-laced reflecting pool. It is unknown whether the deaths are a mass suicide or the work of a Democratic guerrilla group operating out of the Gore-controlled territory of Maryland.

Since declaring himself President For Life, President Clinton has remained sealed inside a subterranean White House bunker with a cadre of Secret Service personnel and a stockpile of canned goods. Like the many state governors who declared themselves regional warlords over the weekend, Clinton said he plans to wait out the fighting in the streets.

Meanwhile, Bush and Gore steadfastly maintained their claims to the presidency after respectively declaring Austin, TX, and Nashville the provisional national capitals. While Gore controls much of the nation's Northeast and Upper Midwest, Bush currently holds all territory west of the Mississippi River except California and Washington. Each man has issued commands to the American people to cease rioting and acknowledge him as president and has ordered the armed forces to salute him as the next Commander In Chief.

Borders between Gore states and Bush states have been witness to some of the fiercest fighting of the past week. Along the Illinois-Indiana border, an estimated 240 people have died in skirmishes, including 47 Danville, IL, residents in a midnight Hoosier raid on the Gore-controlled state. On Sunday, police at the Arizona-California border turned away more than 40,000 Golden State Republicans seeking to cross into Bush-controlled Arizona. Democratic refugees attempting to cross in the opposite direction were similarly rebuffed.

News of other presidential candidates is sketchy at best. On Monday, National Public Radio reported that a man "strongly resembling" Ralph Nader was crucified at the hands of angry New Hampshire Democrats. Pat Buchanan is believed to have entered Florida with several hundred Jewish followers shortly before communications with the state were lost. Libertarian Party candidate Harry Browne is believed to be mounting a challenge to election results in Suffolk County, NY, where Constitution Party candidate Howard Phillips edged him out for fifth place by just two votes.

Alan Greenspan, who established the Fed-In-Exile in Paris last Friday, has announced a freeze on the markets until order can be restored. He has temporarily fixed the value of the U.S. dollar at $15 Canadian.

Citizens have been urged to stay in their homes and keep their lights off until further notice.

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