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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Nation Plunges Into Chaos

WASHINGTON, DC–Presidential-election-related violence continued to spread across the nation Tuesday, with Day Seven of the battle for the White House claiming another 1,200 lives.

Riot police advance through downtown Miami, where clashes between Gore and Bush factions left 23 dead Monday night.

In Bush-controlled Tennessee, news of Gore's call for a sixth recount in the disputed territory of Florida sparked full-scale rioting, with Republican militiamen setting fire to Gore's heavily fortified Nashville compound. It is believed Gore running mate Joseph Lieberman was trapped in the blaze, though his whereabouts and status were unknown as of press time.

In Austin, Democrats continued to clash with armed Bush troops outside the Texas capitol. Inside, the Bush family waited for news on the welfare and whereabouts of Dick Cheney, who was carried off by a band of NARAL Reproductive-Freedom Fighters.

Washington sources reported via short-wave radio that the city is littered with burning and abandoned National Guard tanks. The last D.C. television transmissions, which were broadcast at 11:22 p.m. EST Monday, showed the drowned bodies of more than 200 Young Republicans in the National Mall's cyanide-laced reflecting pool. It is unknown whether the deaths are a mass suicide or the work of a Democratic guerrilla group operating out of the Gore-controlled territory of Maryland.

Since declaring himself President For Life, President Clinton has remained sealed inside a subterranean White House bunker with a cadre of Secret Service personnel and a stockpile of canned goods. Like the many state governors who declared themselves regional warlords over the weekend, Clinton said he plans to wait out the fighting in the streets.

Meanwhile, Bush and Gore steadfastly maintained their claims to the presidency after respectively declaring Austin, TX, and Nashville the provisional national capitals. While Gore controls much of the nation's Northeast and Upper Midwest, Bush currently holds all territory west of the Mississippi River except California and Washington. Each man has issued commands to the American people to cease rioting and acknowledge him as president and has ordered the armed forces to salute him as the next Commander In Chief.

Borders between Gore states and Bush states have been witness to some of the fiercest fighting of the past week. Along the Illinois-Indiana border, an estimated 240 people have died in skirmishes, including 47 Danville, IL, residents in a midnight Hoosier raid on the Gore-controlled state. On Sunday, police at the Arizona-California border turned away more than 40,000 Golden State Republicans seeking to cross into Bush-controlled Arizona. Democratic refugees attempting to cross in the opposite direction were similarly rebuffed.

News of other presidential candidates is sketchy at best. On Monday, National Public Radio reported that a man "strongly resembling" Ralph Nader was crucified at the hands of angry New Hampshire Democrats. Pat Buchanan is believed to have entered Florida with several hundred Jewish followers shortly before communications with the state were lost. Libertarian Party candidate Harry Browne is believed to be mounting a challenge to election results in Suffolk County, NY, where Constitution Party candidate Howard Phillips edged him out for fifth place by just two votes.

Alan Greenspan, who established the Fed-In-Exile in Paris last Friday, has announced a freeze on the markets until order can be restored. He has temporarily fixed the value of the U.S. dollar at $15 Canadian.

Citizens have been urged to stay in their homes and keep their lights off until further notice.

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