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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Nation Plunges Into Chaos

WASHINGTON, DC–Presidential-election-related violence continued to spread across the nation Tuesday, with Day Seven of the battle for the White House claiming another 1,200 lives.

Riot police advance through downtown Miami, where clashes between Gore and Bush factions left 23 dead Monday night.

In Bush-controlled Tennessee, news of Gore's call for a sixth recount in the disputed territory of Florida sparked full-scale rioting, with Republican militiamen setting fire to Gore's heavily fortified Nashville compound. It is believed Gore running mate Joseph Lieberman was trapped in the blaze, though his whereabouts and status were unknown as of press time.

In Austin, Democrats continued to clash with armed Bush troops outside the Texas capitol. Inside, the Bush family waited for news on the welfare and whereabouts of Dick Cheney, who was carried off by a band of NARAL Reproductive-Freedom Fighters.

Washington sources reported via short-wave radio that the city is littered with burning and abandoned National Guard tanks. The last D.C. television transmissions, which were broadcast at 11:22 p.m. EST Monday, showed the drowned bodies of more than 200 Young Republicans in the National Mall's cyanide-laced reflecting pool. It is unknown whether the deaths are a mass suicide or the work of a Democratic guerrilla group operating out of the Gore-controlled territory of Maryland.

Since declaring himself President For Life, President Clinton has remained sealed inside a subterranean White House bunker with a cadre of Secret Service personnel and a stockpile of canned goods. Like the many state governors who declared themselves regional warlords over the weekend, Clinton said he plans to wait out the fighting in the streets.

Meanwhile, Bush and Gore steadfastly maintained their claims to the presidency after respectively declaring Austin, TX, and Nashville the provisional national capitals. While Gore controls much of the nation's Northeast and Upper Midwest, Bush currently holds all territory west of the Mississippi River except California and Washington. Each man has issued commands to the American people to cease rioting and acknowledge him as president and has ordered the armed forces to salute him as the next Commander In Chief.

Borders between Gore states and Bush states have been witness to some of the fiercest fighting of the past week. Along the Illinois-Indiana border, an estimated 240 people have died in skirmishes, including 47 Danville, IL, residents in a midnight Hoosier raid on the Gore-controlled state. On Sunday, police at the Arizona-California border turned away more than 40,000 Golden State Republicans seeking to cross into Bush-controlled Arizona. Democratic refugees attempting to cross in the opposite direction were similarly rebuffed.

News of other presidential candidates is sketchy at best. On Monday, National Public Radio reported that a man "strongly resembling" Ralph Nader was crucified at the hands of angry New Hampshire Democrats. Pat Buchanan is believed to have entered Florida with several hundred Jewish followers shortly before communications with the state were lost. Libertarian Party candidate Harry Browne is believed to be mounting a challenge to election results in Suffolk County, NY, where Constitution Party candidate Howard Phillips edged him out for fifth place by just two votes.

Alan Greenspan, who established the Fed-In-Exile in Paris last Friday, has announced a freeze on the markets until order can be restored. He has temporarily fixed the value of the U.S. dollar at $15 Canadian.

Citizens have been urged to stay in their homes and keep their lights off until further notice.

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