adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Ready For Its Din Din

WASHINGTON—Sitting patiently in their chairs with their nappies on their lappies, the residents of the United States announced Wednesday they were ready for their din din. "Yummy yummy num nums," exclaimed a Nashville, TN–area big boy, 42, digging into a mound of macaroni and cheese as soon as his plate touched the table. "Mmmmmm." After din din, the nation will reportedly have its bath, get its jammies on, and then it's time for beddy-bye.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close