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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Nation Reaffirms Commitment To Things They Recognize

‘We Have Seen These Things Before And We Like Them,’ Say Populace

The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not anything like things they already know.
The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not anything like things they already know.

WASHINGTON—The American people announced Wednesday they remain fully committed to things they recognize, stating that things they have seen or experienced previously are good and that they want more of them.

“I like things I’ve seen before,” said 31-year-old Cleveland native Dave Metzen, one of millions of citizens across the nation who reported that the television shows, music, pastimes, foods, technological products, beliefs, and values with which they are familiar at present are their favorite ones. “I especially like the things I’ve seen a lot of times before.”

“Those are the best ones,” Metzen added.

“When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”

According to a recent study, when exposed to a particular thing and asked their opinion of it, 100 percent of Americans who recognized the thing said they liked it. At the same time, 100 percent of Americans who did not recognize the thing reportedly said they did not like it and found it confusing. However, researchers noted that most of those who were exposed to the novel thing a second or third time changed their mind and said they liked it now.

In a follow-up study, citizens were exposed to a variety of things—celebrities, snacks, movie franchises, corporate logos, cultural attitudes, and more—only one of which they were familiar with. The study found that 100 percent of those surveyed immediately smiled, pointed at the only thing in the group they recognized, and said, “That one.”

“I don’t like new things unless the new thing is a lot like an old thing,” said Phoenix resident Jennifer Alvarez, 54, explaining that she likes it when someone takes a thing she already enjoys and makes a newer version of it that is almost identical to the original thing. “When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”

“If a few old things are put together to make a new thing, that’s good, though,” Alvarez added. “I like things like that.”

At press time, Americans appeared pleased when told that everyone would continue to make and do things they were already familiar with for the foreseeable future.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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