adBlockCheck

Nation Reaffirms Commitment To Things They Recognize

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation Reaffirms Commitment To Things They Recognize

‘We Have Seen These Things Before And We Like Them,’ Say Populace

The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not anything like things they already know.
The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not anything like things they already know.

WASHINGTON—The American people announced Wednesday they remain fully committed to things they recognize, stating that things they have seen or experienced previously are good and that they want more of them.

“I like things I’ve seen before,” said 31-year-old Cleveland native Dave Metzen, one of millions of citizens across the nation who reported that the television shows, music, pastimes, foods, technological products, beliefs, and values with which they are familiar at present are their favorite ones. “I especially like the things I’ve seen a lot of times before.”

“Those are the best ones,” Metzen added.

“When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”

According to a recent study, when exposed to a particular thing and asked their opinion of it, 100 percent of Americans who recognized the thing said they liked it. At the same time, 100 percent of Americans who did not recognize the thing reportedly said they did not like it and found it confusing. However, researchers noted that most of those who were exposed to the novel thing a second or third time changed their mind and said they liked it now.

In a follow-up study, citizens were exposed to a variety of things—celebrities, snacks, movie franchises, corporate logos, cultural attitudes, and more—only one of which they were familiar with. The study found that 100 percent of those surveyed immediately smiled, pointed at the only thing in the group they recognized, and said, “That one.”

“I don’t like new things unless the new thing is a lot like an old thing,” said Phoenix resident Jennifer Alvarez, 54, explaining that she likes it when someone takes a thing she already enjoys and makes a newer version of it that is almost identical to the original thing. “When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”

“If a few old things are put together to make a new thing, that’s good, though,” Alvarez added. “I like things like that.”

At press time, Americans appeared pleased when told that everyone would continue to make and do things they were already familiar with for the foreseeable future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close