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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Nation Reaffirms Commitment To Things They Recognize

‘We Have Seen These Things Before And We Like Them,’ Say Populace

The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not anything like things they already know.
The U.S. populace emphasized their deep aversion to things that are not anything like things they already know.

WASHINGTON—The American people announced Wednesday they remain fully committed to things they recognize, stating that things they have seen or experienced previously are good and that they want more of them.

“I like things I’ve seen before,” said 31-year-old Cleveland native Dave Metzen, one of millions of citizens across the nation who reported that the television shows, music, pastimes, foods, technological products, beliefs, and values with which they are familiar at present are their favorite ones. “I especially like the things I’ve seen a lot of times before.”

“Those are the best ones,” Metzen added.

“When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”

According to a recent study, when exposed to a particular thing and asked their opinion of it, 100 percent of Americans who recognized the thing said they liked it. At the same time, 100 percent of Americans who did not recognize the thing reportedly said they did not like it and found it confusing. However, researchers noted that most of those who were exposed to the novel thing a second or third time changed their mind and said they liked it now.

In a follow-up study, citizens were exposed to a variety of things—celebrities, snacks, movie franchises, corporate logos, cultural attitudes, and more—only one of which they were familiar with. The study found that 100 percent of those surveyed immediately smiled, pointed at the only thing in the group they recognized, and said, “That one.”

“I don’t like new things unless the new thing is a lot like an old thing,” said Phoenix resident Jennifer Alvarez, 54, explaining that she likes it when someone takes a thing she already enjoys and makes a newer version of it that is almost identical to the original thing. “When a new thing isn’t like any old things, I don’t like it at all.”

“If a few old things are put together to make a new thing, that’s good, though,” Alvarez added. “I like things like that.”

At press time, Americans appeared pleased when told that everyone would continue to make and do things they were already familiar with for the foreseeable future.

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