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Nation Refuses To Get To Know Hedo Turkoglu

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation Refuses To Get To Know Hedo Turkoglu

CLEVELAND—Despite the TNT network's best efforts to acquaint its audience with the major players of the Magic-Cavaliers playoff series, the population of the United States has emphatically declined the opportunity to get to know Orlando's Hedo Turkoglu. "When I see one of those pre-produced packages about how he's from Serbia or wherever, I immediately mute my TV or change the channel," Atlanta resident Kevin Hazan said concerning the Turkish small forward. Added Portland, OR basketball fan Russel Carreras, "That little video of him listing all his favorite foods and making goofy faces just didn't grab me. I don't really care if he's a family man who helps out in the Orlando community. Actually, I don't care if he saves a thousand children from a burning fire. I just don't care to welcome Hedo Turkoglu into my home." In contrast to the nation's utter indifference toward Turkoglu, a TNT poll indicated that if given the choice, most viewers would still prefer to smack J.J. Redick right in the face.

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