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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Nation Schedules Recurring Monthly Benefit Concert To Streamline Tragedy Response Process

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bypass the logistical challenges of arranging an entirely new event each time, the nation announced Wednesday that it would be streamlining its tragedy response process by holding recurring benefit concerts every month. “With so many awful things happening back-to-back, it just makes sense to plan a series of fundraising shows well in advance rather than scramble to throw one together after every single calamity,” said event organizer Marvin Beckett, who at the behest of all 323 million Americans will line up a full slate of performances from the music industry’s top talents for the first Saturday of the month that will encompass any natural disasters or acts of mass violence that have occurred in the prior 30 days. “This scheduling is just a more practical and efficient way for us as a nation to come together and support our fellow Americans when they need help most. If we can’t stop these tragedies from happening, at least we can keep ourselves organized.” At press time, the American populace was reportedly open to the idea of weekly benefit concerts or a benefit concert that ran continuously and indefinitely.

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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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