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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Nation Shudders To Think How Mad NRA Would Be If Obama Actually Proposed Meaningful Gun Control

WASHINGTON—Citing the group’s outrage over recent executive orders aimed at reducing gun violence, Americans across the nation collectively shuddered Wednesday at the mere thought of the National Rifle Association’s furious reaction were President Obama to actually propose concrete and meaningful gun control legislation. “Given how upset and defensive they got about some watered-down measures that will never receive funding anyway, I hate to think how the NRA would react if something was put on the table that could actually, you know, regulate the sale and use of guns in the United States,” said 44-year-old Ohio resident Bill Glaser, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who confirmed that they don’t even want to consider the kind of over-the-top, inflammatory rhetoric the lobbying group would be using right now if the president had introduced definitive plans to stop guns from getting into the hands of criminals or Americans suffering from mental health issues. “I mean, just look at their veiled threats against Obama and other government officials over the idea to just marginally expand background checks—can you even imagine the things they’d be doing if Obama had just announced a nationwide assault weapons ban? Just the prospect of that is completely terrifying.” Americans were reportedly somewhat comforted, however, by the realization that the odds of such a scenario ever occurring are virtually nonexistent.

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