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Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

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Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

WASHINGTON—Noting the ceaseless onslaught of issues constantly nearing the eleventh hour, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they are sick and tired of all this looming stuff. “Frankly, I would like a week to go by where I don’t hear about some sort of showdown or crisis that is looming, or brewing, or rearing its head, or anything like that,” said 34-year-old Matawan, NJ resident Jonathan Lear, echoing the thoughts of all 315 million U.S. citizens who have expressed a strong desire for the nation to take a break from either approaching or being on the cusp of anything at all, including conflicts, deadlines, decisions, battles, something ending, something beginning, something getting worse, or something getting even worse. “I don’t want to hear about how another bad or difficult thing we need to avoid is ‘on the horizon’ or ‘right around the corner.’ Just let all the horrible impending shit that’s going to happen happen so we can at least get it over with and move on with our lives.” The American populace did confirm, however, that they are more than happy to hear about anything that is in the nation’s rearview mirror.

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