Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

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What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

WASHINGTON—Noting the ceaseless onslaught of issues constantly nearing the eleventh hour, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they are sick and tired of all this looming stuff. “Frankly, I would like a week to go by where I don’t hear about some sort of showdown or crisis that is looming, or brewing, or rearing its head, or anything like that,” said 34-year-old Matawan, NJ resident Jonathan Lear, echoing the thoughts of all 315 million U.S. citizens who have expressed a strong desire for the nation to take a break from either approaching or being on the cusp of anything at all, including conflicts, deadlines, decisions, battles, something ending, something beginning, something getting worse, or something getting even worse. “I don’t want to hear about how another bad or difficult thing we need to avoid is ‘on the horizon’ or ‘right around the corner.’ Just let all the horrible impending shit that’s going to happen happen so we can at least get it over with and move on with our lives.” The American populace did confirm, however, that they are more than happy to hear about anything that is in the nation’s rearview mirror.