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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Nation Still Reeling From Mega-Success Of 'Mr. Popper's Penguins'

WASHINGTON—The nation's 300 million citizens announced Saturday that they are still walking around in a collective awe-inspired daze from the phenomenal blockbuster movie Mr. Popper's Penguins, which in its 13-month run has grossed $312 billion, made Carla Gugino Hollywood's top-paid actress, spawned a No. 1–rated spin-off series on the CW, and inspired 200 million downloads of the "Where's It Poppin?" smartphone app, which directs users to the closest screening of the movie. "Not a day goes by at work without hearing [Mr.] Popper['s Penguins] quoted at least five times," said self-described "Pop nut" Cassie O'Hara, 32, proudly displaying the tattoo on her hip of the film's affectionate penguin Lovey. "It's such a vital cultural touchstone. Years from now, historians will describe the world as pre-Popper or post-Popper. I've seen it once a week for the past year, and I'm just now finally getting a little bit tired of it." Indeed, concerned that the film's popularity has finally peaked, animal shelters across America are preparing for a sudden influx of penguins bought as pets and now expected to be abandoned on the street.

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