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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup

 SCHAUMBURG, IL—The American people were thrust into a profound existential crisis Sunday after noticing that nostalgia-programming network Nick-at-Nite has begun airing reruns of such seemingly recent sitcoms as Full House, Mad About You, and The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. "Murphy Brown? But I remember watching that when it was on regular TV," said Schaumburg resident Sam Kemp, 34, who along with millions of others nationwide was forced to confront his own mortality upon learning that the late-'80s Candice Bergen sitcom now qualifies as classic programming from television's distant past. "Why are they playing shows from 1988? That's only…fuck, that's 19 years ago? Oh God, I've wasted my life." To escape thoughts of the swift, relentless passage of time and their own inevitable deaths, Kemp and 120 million others stayed up until 4 a.m. watching a marathon of vintage Roseanne episodes.

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