Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup

 SCHAUMBURG, IL—The American people were thrust into a profound existential crisis Sunday after noticing that nostalgia-programming network Nick-at-Nite has begun airing reruns of such seemingly recent sitcoms as Full House, Mad About You, and The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. "Murphy Brown? But I remember watching that when it was on regular TV," said Schaumburg resident Sam Kemp, 34, who along with millions of others nationwide was forced to confront his own mortality upon learning that the late-'80s Candice Bergen sitcom now qualifies as classic programming from television's distant past. "Why are they playing shows from 1988? That's only…fuck, that's 19 years ago? Oh God, I've wasted my life." To escape thoughts of the swift, relentless passage of time and their own inevitable deaths, Kemp and 120 million others stayed up until 4 a.m. watching a marathon of vintage Roseanne episodes.