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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup

 SCHAUMBURG, IL—The American people were thrust into a profound existential crisis Sunday after noticing that nostalgia-programming network Nick-at-Nite has begun airing reruns of such seemingly recent sitcoms as Full House, Mad About You, and The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. "Murphy Brown? But I remember watching that when it was on regular TV," said Schaumburg resident Sam Kemp, 34, who along with millions of others nationwide was forced to confront his own mortality upon learning that the late-'80s Candice Bergen sitcom now qualifies as classic programming from television's distant past. "Why are they playing shows from 1988? That's only…fuck, that's 19 years ago? Oh God, I've wasted my life." To escape thoughts of the swift, relentless passage of time and their own inevitable deaths, Kemp and 120 million others stayed up until 4 a.m. watching a marathon of vintage Roseanne episodes.

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