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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals

'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs

The American people are definitely very upset or whatever about all of these things.
The American people are definitely very upset or whatever about all of these things.

WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re totally outraged or whatever about what’s currently going on in Washington.

Amid reports that the IRS targeted various conservative political groups, the Justice Department spied on Associated Press reporters, and the government covered up crucial national security details regarding the Benghazi attacks, the U.S. populace confirmed that the allegations “are, um, definitely very upsetting. Sure.”

“Everyone on television seems pretty mad about all this, so I guess I’m mad too,” said Denver-area marketing associate Greg Friedman, adding that what he felt was probably anger or some approximation of anger when he learned State Department emails about Benghazi contrasted with those released by the White House. “The government definitely shouldn’t have done all that stuff.”

“So...yeah,” Friedman continued. “I’m mad.”

While admitting that they “don’t really have a great handle on these issues,” the nation’s 300 million citizens reportedly agreed that the government is deservedly under fire and those at fault must be dealt with and all that other stuff people who know about this seem to be saying.

“The IRS director just resigned, and there are a lot of these hearings or something going on, so yeah, these things are definitely a big deal, I suppose,” said 33-year-old Philadelphia resident Alex Demarco, adding that “all this stuff” has definitely been on the news a lot. “President Obama is getting a lot of flack, so that must mean we need to be up in arms and that we’re furious with his administration.”

Added Demarco, “Right?”

According to a recent Gallup poll, when asked whether they thought Attorney General Eric Holder should be fired over the Justice Department’s alleged wiretapping of AP journalists, 47 percent of Americans replied, “Okay, sure,” 38 percent told pollsters, “Um, yeah, why not,” and 64 percent responded, “Who?”

Nearly 96 percent of respondents said they just wanted to make it clear that they think that everything currently going on in Washington is definitely bad and shouldn’t be happening, unless all of it is actually okay, in which case they are fine with it.

“Is it wrong that the IRS unfairly targeted groups who opposed President Obama’s agenda? Uh, yes. I guess it is,” said Chicago-based real-estate broker Daniel Kiernan, 41. “To be perfectly frank, though, none of this stuff really affects me in any way whatsoever. That’s the God’s honest truth right there.”

“But if you want me to tell you that I’m angry, then fine, I’m angry,” Kiernan added. “I’m incredibly outraged over all this. It’s absolutely terrible and an affront to every single American citizen, and something needs to be done. Happy?”

At press time, millions of Americans confirmed they actually have strong feelings about the Miami Heat’s quest for a second title, the June 14 premiere of Man Of Steel, gun control, immigration reform, cake, and the economy.

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