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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals

'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs

The American people are definitely very upset or whatever about all of these things.
The American people are definitely very upset or whatever about all of these things.

WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re totally outraged or whatever about what’s currently going on in Washington.

Amid reports that the IRS targeted various conservative political groups, the Justice Department spied on Associated Press reporters, and the government covered up crucial national security details regarding the Benghazi attacks, the U.S. populace confirmed that the allegations “are, um, definitely very upsetting. Sure.”

“Everyone on television seems pretty mad about all this, so I guess I’m mad too,” said Denver-area marketing associate Greg Friedman, adding that what he felt was probably anger or some approximation of anger when he learned State Department emails about Benghazi contrasted with those released by the White House. “The government definitely shouldn’t have done all that stuff.”

“So...yeah,” Friedman continued. “I’m mad.”

While admitting that they “don’t really have a great handle on these issues,” the nation’s 300 million citizens reportedly agreed that the government is deservedly under fire and those at fault must be dealt with and all that other stuff people who know about this seem to be saying.

“The IRS director just resigned, and there are a lot of these hearings or something going on, so yeah, these things are definitely a big deal, I suppose,” said 33-year-old Philadelphia resident Alex Demarco, adding that “all this stuff” has definitely been on the news a lot. “President Obama is getting a lot of flack, so that must mean we need to be up in arms and that we’re furious with his administration.”

Added Demarco, “Right?”

According to a recent Gallup poll, when asked whether they thought Attorney General Eric Holder should be fired over the Justice Department’s alleged wiretapping of AP journalists, 47 percent of Americans replied, “Okay, sure,” 38 percent told pollsters, “Um, yeah, why not,” and 64 percent responded, “Who?”

Nearly 96 percent of respondents said they just wanted to make it clear that they think that everything currently going on in Washington is definitely bad and shouldn’t be happening, unless all of it is actually okay, in which case they are fine with it.

“Is it wrong that the IRS unfairly targeted groups who opposed President Obama’s agenda? Uh, yes. I guess it is,” said Chicago-based real-estate broker Daniel Kiernan, 41. “To be perfectly frank, though, none of this stuff really affects me in any way whatsoever. That’s the God’s honest truth right there.”

“But if you want me to tell you that I’m angry, then fine, I’m angry,” Kiernan added. “I’m incredibly outraged over all this. It’s absolutely terrible and an affront to every single American citizen, and something needs to be done. Happy?”

At press time, millions of Americans confirmed they actually have strong feelings about the Miami Heat’s quest for a second title, the June 14 premiere of Man Of Steel, gun control, immigration reform, cake, and the economy.

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