adBlockCheck

Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta

Top Headlines

Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta

LOS ANGELES—Admitting they couldn’t fully explain where this was coming from or why, Americans across the country were taken aback Friday upon suddenly realizing they wanted more of film actor John Travolta in their lives. “Look, there’s no rhyme or reason to it, I just have this intense craving to see John Travolta in movies, on TV, joking around with reporters on the red carpet, or really doing anything—and believe me, I’m just as surprised about this as anyone,” reported Minneapolis resident Haley Morrison, 43, echoing the inexplicable desire of all 317 million Americans to hear news of the 59-year-old actor appearing soon in, say, a new Disney family comedy co-starring Marisa Tomei, as a villain in an action-thriller directed by Luc Besson, or possibly as a guest on an upcoming episode of Letterman. “Hell, at this point, and don’t ask me why, I’d settle for a People magazine interview with John Travolta discussing his love of flying and how married life with [wife] Kelly Preston is going. I mean, I guess the heart wants what it wants. I just can’t believe it wants John Travolta.” At press time, baffled sources nationwide were reporting feelings of deep, unaccountable satisfaction after coming across the last half-hour of Phenomenon on TBS.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close