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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta

LOS ANGELES—Admitting they couldn’t fully explain where this was coming from or why, Americans across the country were taken aback Friday upon suddenly realizing they wanted more of film actor John Travolta in their lives. “Look, there’s no rhyme or reason to it, I just have this intense craving to see John Travolta in movies, on TV, joking around with reporters on the red carpet, or really doing anything—and believe me, I’m just as surprised about this as anyone,” reported Minneapolis resident Haley Morrison, 43, echoing the inexplicable desire of all 317 million Americans to hear news of the 59-year-old actor appearing soon in, say, a new Disney family comedy co-starring Marisa Tomei, as a villain in an action-thriller directed by Luc Besson, or possibly as a guest on an upcoming episode of Letterman. “Hell, at this point, and don’t ask me why, I’d settle for a People magazine interview with John Travolta discussing his love of flying and how married life with [wife] Kelly Preston is going. I mean, I guess the heart wants what it wants. I just can’t believe it wants John Travolta.” At press time, baffled sources nationwide were reporting feelings of deep, unaccountable satisfaction after coming across the last half-hour of Phenomenon on TBS.

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