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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Nation Suspects Leads In Local High School Play May Be Dating

SOUTH BEND, IN—Citing their intensity during rehearsals as well as their offstage closeness, thousands of citizens across the country are beginning to suspect that Jason Dillow, 17, and Amanda White, 16, stars of John Adams High School's production of Guys And Dolls, may be dating. "Given the amount of time Jason and Amanda spend with each other running lines, it's becoming quite clear that their relationship extends beyond the play," said 46-year-old carpenter Dave Barnes of Paterson, NJ. "Are the American people supposed to believe that there is nothing going on between those two when they always somehow end up sitting together in the back-rub circle?" Though millions of Americans are convinced that the young thespians are in fact a couple, a large segment of the population ardently maintains that Dillow is a flaming homo.

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