adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Tired Of Having To Skim Past Headlines About Apple, Samsung Lawsuit

WASHINGTON—Citizens browsing news sites across the United States expressed frustration Monday after being forced to skim past more headlines about the ongoing patent infringement lawsuit between Apple and Samsung. “It seems like every morning there’s another new article about this thing and, quite honestly, I just don’t care about it and I’m not clicking on it,” said ad copywriter James Gibaldi, one of the millions of exasperated Americans who told reporters they were tired of Apple/Samsung links occupying space that could be used for political, entertainment, sports, health, or other technology news. “When I see ‘Apple’ in the headline I expect it to be about the new iPhone or something interesting, but it just turns out to be some new thing about the lawsuit. Jesus, I thought I scrolled past a headline weeks ago saying it was resolved, but there’s more stuff every day.” At press time, citizens also said they were becoming weary of daily headlines about Syria’s rising death toll, saying they would much rather see them replaced with more links about the cancellation of Jersey Shore.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close