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Nation To Try Its Luck Out West

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NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.
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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Nation To Try Its Luck Out West

With no prospects left at home, the westward-bound populace would settle for fixed-rate mortgages and a bit of fresh sod.
With no prospects left at home, the westward-bound populace would settle for fixed-rate mortgages and a bit of fresh sod.

THE FRONTIER—After having bravely endured rising fuel costs, unemployment, and a massive drought in consumer confidence, all 300 million Americans announced Monday that they will soon begin the long journey westward, abandoning their stakes in the crumbling housing market to seek the golden future that surely lies past the horizon.

Struggling to eke out a living for the past 20 decades, the U.S. populace has supported itself with odd jobs in the fur trade, tinkering, information technology, and pharmaceuticals industries, but has finally succumbed to the mounting pressures of modern life. The nation plans to strike out on its own come fall, when the weather's cooler, hoping to make its fortune and perhaps find a little patch of soil to call its own in the sprawling wilderness between O'Hare International Airport and the Great Pacific Ocean.

"There just ain't nothing left to do but pack what we can carry and head out West," said Arizona native Charles Kuhn, 42, who was recently laid off from his position at a fancy advertising agency. "Out past the mighty Mississip' all a man needs is a strong back and a good horse. Heck, won't take but two weeks under them wide-open skies to build a house, plant some squash, and wrangle a little graphic design† work with full benefits, genuine growth potential, and two weeks' paid vacation. Now that thar's the life for me."

"I hear there's a good steady creek and some open pasture just outside San Diego," added Kuhn, charging his cell phone one last time as he traced his finger along a crinkled, hand-drawn map bearing the ol' "I-5 N" trail he will follow to the California seaside town. "My cousin went out there and he's doing real fine. Real fine. Says they got good jobs with annual cost-of-living adjustments just falling out of the hills out there."

Leaving behind the woes of their bustling cities, small mining towns, large auto-manufacturing towns, suburbs of auto-manufacturing towns, and the economically stagnant state of Nebraska, the pioneers will set out across the vast Western expanse with nothing but the promise of opportunity and a few old resumés. Although it remains unclear what they might find in that savage territory, some sources indicate the move may bring a significant boost in self-employment, prevent thousands of bankruptcies, and allow settlers an opportunity to learn agricultural techniques from the Mexican folk who sometimes wander over the border.

Robert Wong, once an associate with Bear Stearns in New York, said the moribund securities industry has left him in such a financial mess that he has no choice but to take his wife and two pretty young daughters out West. The 52-year-old reportedly plans to ride out violent market fluctuations in the foothills of the Ochoco Mountains.

"Don't know what waits for me out there, but when you hear the dull roar of the Rockies, all the bank-foreclosure warnings and high-interest credit-card offers in the world can't keep a man indoors," Wong said. "Yes, sir. I've just got to make my last car payment, cash out what's left of my 401(k), default on [daughter] Emily's student loans, and strip the house of copper wiring, and then it's 'Oregon or the Grave.'"

The federal government has not yet issued any plans for dealing with the mass exodus, which is expected to have wide-scale economic repercussions in the abandoned regions, including a complete collapse of consumer trading and a short burst in hardtack sales. However, the House of Representatives will begin debate on bipartisan measure H.R. 3492, which would declare a state of emergency on the East Coast and provide tax breaks to those who remain behind, as soon as Congress reconvenes next month at a cabin in Rock Springs, WY.

"Everywhere across this land, hard-working men and women have come to see that anyplace is better than here," said Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO), who is giving up his $169,300-a-year job in search of work in the railroads. "No matter how bad things get or how dark tomorrow may seem, the one thing Americans can always count on is the promise of a better life somewhere else."

At press time, the approximately 2 million square miles of land that make up the American West are experiencing the most severe rash of wildfires and earthquakes in recent history.

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