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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Nation Too Sad To Fuck Even Though It’s What Prince Would Have Wanted

CHANHASSEN, MN—After hearing the shocking news of the iconic pop star’s unexpected death, the U.S. populace reported Thursday that it was simply too sad to fuck, even though they knew it was what Prince would have wanted. “If Prince is looking down on us right now, I know he’d want to see us all get down and fuck, but I’m still just so upset that he’s gone that I don’t think I could get in the mood,” said 37-year-old Arizona resident Carol Parnum, echoing the sentiment of tens of millions of Americans across the country, who acknowledged that, despite recognizing that nothing would have brought more joy to the seven-time Grammy-winning multi-instrumentalist than everyone getting freaky and fucking all night long, their emotions were still much too raw to do so. “Look, I understand that Prince wouldn’t want us to be moping around with our heads in our hands, crying about how he’s gone and never coming back—no, he would want us to fuck raw and to fuck nasty. But I...I just can’t. My heart just isn’t in it right now.” After much personal anguish, the teary-eyed nation reportedly took a deep breath and solemnly mustered the resolve to get naked and start fucking, saying it was simply the right thing to do.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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