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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Nation Too Sad To Fuck Even Though It’s What Prince Would Have Wanted

CHANHASSEN, MN—After hearing the shocking news of the iconic pop star’s unexpected death, the U.S. populace reported Thursday that it was simply too sad to fuck, even though they knew it was what Prince would have wanted. “If Prince is looking down on us right now, I know he’d want to see us all get down and fuck, but I’m still just so upset that he’s gone that I don’t think I could get in the mood,” said 37-year-old Arizona resident Carol Parnum, echoing the sentiment of tens of millions of Americans across the country, who acknowledged that, despite recognizing that nothing would have brought more joy to the seven-time Grammy-winning multi-instrumentalist than everyone getting freaky and fucking all night long, their emotions were still much too raw to do so. “Look, I understand that Prince wouldn’t want us to be moping around with our heads in our hands, crying about how he’s gone and never coming back—no, he would want us to fuck raw and to fuck nasty. But I...I just can’t. My heart just isn’t in it right now.” After much personal anguish, the teary-eyed nation reportedly took a deep breath and solemnly mustered the resolve to get naked and start fucking, saying it was simply the right thing to do.

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