DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
NEW YORK—As of Wednesday, Americans were still attempting to remember what professional team that one guy played for, an inquiry that reportedly began when certain fans claimed they were almost certain the poor guy retired just before his team finally made it to the playoffs that one year. "I could have sworn he started his career in Philadelphia, but he ended up in San Francisco," 42-year-old Steve Sultan told reporters, adding that he seems to remember that the guy wasn't half bad defensively but was almost a liability on offensive. "Or was it Denver? Were they even in the league then?" The U.S. populace generally agrees that this guy isn't the same guy you're probably thinking of, but it understands how you could confuse the two.