adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Undecided On Whether It Hates Celtics Or Lakers More

WASHINGTON—The NBA Finals have thrown the nation's basketball fans into a state of angry confusion this week, as the bitter debate over whether they despise the Celtics or Lakers more rages on. "Kobe is such an egotistical prick that it's really easy to detest the Lakers, especially with that clenched-jaw face he makes, but come on—you have to hate the Celtics because the Big Three are so much more fucking annoying," said Jeff Connor, a St. Louis native. "I'll admit that I can't stand Pau Gasol, just because the guy rubs me the wrong way, maybe due to his disgusting greasy hair. Phil Jackson is a pretty huge asshole with all that loud whistling he does, but Rondo is the most irritating little shit, and I loathe that fat sweaty hog Glen Davis. Ray Allen is actually okay. That dick Kevin Garnett, though, is a chest-pounding idiot." After much discussion, a consensus appears to be near, as Americans are agreeing to hate the Lakers and Celtics equally.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close