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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nation Undecided On Whether It Hates Celtics Or Lakers More

WASHINGTON—The NBA Finals have thrown the nation's basketball fans into a state of angry confusion this week, as the bitter debate over whether they despise the Celtics or Lakers more rages on. "Kobe is such an egotistical prick that it's really easy to detest the Lakers, especially with that clenched-jaw face he makes, but come on—you have to hate the Celtics because the Big Three are so much more fucking annoying," said Jeff Connor, a St. Louis native. "I'll admit that I can't stand Pau Gasol, just because the guy rubs me the wrong way, maybe due to his disgusting greasy hair. Phil Jackson is a pretty huge asshole with all that loud whistling he does, but Rondo is the most irritating little shit, and I loathe that fat sweaty hog Glen Davis. Ray Allen is actually okay. That dick Kevin Garnett, though, is a chest-pounding idiot." After much discussion, a consensus appears to be near, as Americans are agreeing to hate the Lakers and Celtics equally.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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