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Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches

NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig Harrington wears Citizen watches, or what it means that Harrington is apparently fueled by passion and Citizen Signature watches are fueled by light. "I mean, this is something I'm aware of now. I know it as fact. Padraig Harrington wears a Citizen watch. So what now?" 54-year-old Damien Morrison of Pensacola, FL said. "Should I consider buying one to be better at golf? Or is there maybe some message within the correlation of this person and this specific item that I'm not picking up on? I wish either Padraig Harrington or the Citizen company would just come out and tell me what to do next." According to a survey conducted Tuesday, the closest thing to a national consensus in response to this information has been that most Americans just use their cell phone to check the time.

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