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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Nation Unsure Which Candidate's Plan To Destroy The Environment Will Create More Jobs

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday, the U.S. populace remained unsure which of the presidential candidates’ plans to destroy natural resources and render the environment unfit for human habitation would put more Americans back to work. “On one hand, President Obama has proved his commitment to creating jobs that will poison the entire American Northeast with toxic fracking chemicals, but on the other hand, Mitt Romney, with his pledge to intensify oil exploration offshore and in our nation’s protected wilderness, seems genuinely determined to put millions to work contaminating the oceans, exterminating scores of species, and inevitably accelerating a planetary cataclysm,” said Denver voter Lynn Russell, stressing the economic importance of good-paying jobs that systematically eliminate all remaining natural resources left on earth. “The candidates have so many comprehensive ideas for ensuring that our overheating planet—as well as human society in general—is pushed well beyond the point of no return, but it’s impossible to tell which one will go slightly farther in reducing unemployment.” Voters nationwide reportedly found themselves even more on the fence after learning that both candidates had pledged to build dozens of job-creating nuclear plants that, in the event of a minor mishap, could render vast regions of the nation immediately unlivable.

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