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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Nation Unsure Which Candidate's Plan To Destroy The Environment Will Create More Jobs

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday, the U.S. populace remained unsure which of the presidential candidates’ plans to destroy natural resources and render the environment unfit for human habitation would put more Americans back to work. “On one hand, President Obama has proved his commitment to creating jobs that will poison the entire American Northeast with toxic fracking chemicals, but on the other hand, Mitt Romney, with his pledge to intensify oil exploration offshore and in our nation’s protected wilderness, seems genuinely determined to put millions to work contaminating the oceans, exterminating scores of species, and inevitably accelerating a planetary cataclysm,” said Denver voter Lynn Russell, stressing the economic importance of good-paying jobs that systematically eliminate all remaining natural resources left on earth. “The candidates have so many comprehensive ideas for ensuring that our overheating planet—as well as human society in general—is pushed well beyond the point of no return, but it’s impossible to tell which one will go slightly farther in reducing unemployment.” Voters nationwide reportedly found themselves even more on the fence after learning that both candidates had pledged to build dozens of job-creating nuclear plants that, in the event of a minor mishap, could render vast regions of the nation immediately unlivable.

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