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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement Monday that NFL owners and players had reached a deal to end their 132-day labor dispute, Americans across the nation expressed their desire for some goddamn football already and acknowledged they didn’t give two shits about the boring-ass details of the collective bargaining agreement.

The majority of the U.S. populace confirmed that nobody even cares about the stupid structure, length, or impact of the new CBA, calling for sports columnists, analysts, and broadcasters to “shut the hell up about lame revenue-sharing shit” and demanding the NFL play some football “right fucking now.”

At press time, Americans wondered why the hell no footballs had been snapped yet.

“Yes, great, I’m thrilled the NFL won’t have to cancel any of the 2011 season, but I don’t want to hear anything else about numbers or caps or any of that new money rules shit,” said 42-year-old Rick Baldwin, a contractor in St. Louis. “Just go, dammit. Go out on the field and play a fucking game.”

According to U.S. residents, they would much rather watch receivers catch deep passes, running backs dive into a pile of defenders and fight for first downs, defensive ends blindside a quarterback, or even a kicker attempt an extra point instead of learning about special clauses in the CBA or other lawyery-sounding bullshit that no one gives a rat’s ass about.

Most Americans also added that footage of players stretching on the ground or performing drills or Rex Ryan saying dumb shit again was far preferable to “a bunch of boring as hell” descriptions of the NFL revenue split.

“Just put football on my television,” Cincinnati resident Steve Grall said. “That’s all I want.”

A CBS/New York Times poll conducted this week found that 45 percent of Americans refuse to wait another goddamn second for football; 30 percent would quit their jobs to watch a scrimmage between two teams, even if they were the Redskins and the Panthers; and 60 percent would rather watch a half-assed three-and-out drive by the Buffalo Bills’ pathetic offense than listen to some dipshit minutiae about the rookie wage scale.

Other respondents ignored all of the survey questions by clapping their hands and loudly shouting “Let’s go D” after the pollster said the word “football.”

“I guess free agency is kind of interesting,” Phoenix native Kyle Robinson said. “But it’s just not the same as huge dudes pounding each other in the trenches and balls getting knocked loose and stuff. That fucking rules.”

Jerry Schultz, 57, a mill worker from Green Bay, WI, told reporters to “either ask [him] about the Packers defense or shut [their] fucking mouths” when questioned about new player safety rules that were included in the CBA.

“I don't even want to know about any of that goddamn crap,” Schultz said. “Unless there is something in there about about allowing linebackers to rip Jay Cutler’s head clean fucking off and spike it in the end zone, I don’t give a shit.

Added Shultz: “Football. Now.”

Upon hearing the news that NFL players were recertifying their union, one San Francisco resident said he was “really tired of all this garbage” and wanted football to start this fucking instant.

“I haven’t been paying attention to any of this CBA shit, and I don’t want to know what’s going on with it,” said Bay Area professional athlete Vernon Davis, adding that “all those bastards are just plain greedy.” “All I care about is catching touchdowns and providing for my family.”

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