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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement Monday that NFL owners and players had reached a deal to end their 132-day labor dispute, Americans across the nation expressed their desire for some goddamn football already and acknowledged they didn’t give two shits about the boring-ass details of the collective bargaining agreement.

The majority of the U.S. populace confirmed that nobody even cares about the stupid structure, length, or impact of the new CBA, calling for sports columnists, analysts, and broadcasters to “shut the hell up about lame revenue-sharing shit” and demanding the NFL play some football “right fucking now.”

At press time, Americans wondered why the hell no footballs had been snapped yet.

“Yes, great, I’m thrilled the NFL won’t have to cancel any of the 2011 season, but I don’t want to hear anything else about numbers or caps or any of that new money rules shit,” said 42-year-old Rick Baldwin, a contractor in St. Louis. “Just go, dammit. Go out on the field and play a fucking game.”

According to U.S. residents, they would much rather watch receivers catch deep passes, running backs dive into a pile of defenders and fight for first downs, defensive ends blindside a quarterback, or even a kicker attempt an extra point instead of learning about special clauses in the CBA or other lawyery-sounding bullshit that no one gives a rat’s ass about.

Most Americans also added that footage of players stretching on the ground or performing drills or Rex Ryan saying dumb shit again was far preferable to “a bunch of boring as hell” descriptions of the NFL revenue split.

“Just put football on my television,” Cincinnati resident Steve Grall said. “That’s all I want.”

A CBS/New York Times poll conducted this week found that 45 percent of Americans refuse to wait another goddamn second for football; 30 percent would quit their jobs to watch a scrimmage between two teams, even if they were the Redskins and the Panthers; and 60 percent would rather watch a half-assed three-and-out drive by the Buffalo Bills’ pathetic offense than listen to some dipshit minutiae about the rookie wage scale.

Other respondents ignored all of the survey questions by clapping their hands and loudly shouting “Let’s go D” after the pollster said the word “football.”

“I guess free agency is kind of interesting,” Phoenix native Kyle Robinson said. “But it’s just not the same as huge dudes pounding each other in the trenches and balls getting knocked loose and stuff. That fucking rules.”

Jerry Schultz, 57, a mill worker from Green Bay, WI, told reporters to “either ask [him] about the Packers defense or shut [their] fucking mouths” when questioned about new player safety rules that were included in the CBA.

“I don't even want to know about any of that goddamn crap,” Schultz said. “Unless there is something in there about about allowing linebackers to rip Jay Cutler’s head clean fucking off and spike it in the end zone, I don’t give a shit.

Added Shultz: “Football. Now.”

Upon hearing the news that NFL players were recertifying their union, one San Francisco resident said he was “really tired of all this garbage” and wanted football to start this fucking instant.

“I haven’t been paying attention to any of this CBA shit, and I don’t want to know what’s going on with it,” said Bay Area professional athlete Vernon Davis, adding that “all those bastards are just plain greedy.” “All I care about is catching touchdowns and providing for my family.”

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