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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Nation Watches In Envy As 15-Year-Old Jots Notes In Margin Of 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

'God, Those Were The Days,' Longing Citizens Announce

WACO, TX—The nation gazed wistfully at high school sophomore Eliza Baker as she took notes in a dog-eared copy of Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird at a municipal bus stop Thursday. “What pure, tender joy—not to have a care in the world beyond identifying themes in a classic American novel,” said bystander Jeanne Copley, 24, adding that she envied the 15-year-old’s seeming engrossment in the book and the unrestrained eagerness with which the girl turned from one page to the next. “I think I just saw her write ‘Scout = American Dream?’ in the margin. Ah, I just want to tell her to cherish this moment. Cherish every last precious second of it while you still can.” Sources said Baker later wrote an emotionally laden breakup letter to her boyfriend of two weeks, hurtling the nation into a rapturous fit of fond reverie.

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