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Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering

WASHINGTON, DC—Across the nation, Americans are heartened to see that after nearly five months of unity and cooperation, petty, partisan bickering is slowly returning to the halls of Congress.

In a welcome sight, Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT) (left) and Rep. Dick Armey (R-TX) squabble unproductively on <i>Meet The Press</i>.

"With [House Majority Leader] Dick Armey attacking [Senate Majority Leader] Tom Daschle for bottlenecking the Senate, [House Democratic leader] Dick Gephardt roundly blasting Republican efforts to amend a Democratic-sponsored energy bill, and lawmakers on each side blaming the other for the return of the deficit, this terrible period of bipartisan amity seems to be ending," House Speaker Dennis Hastert told reporters Monday. "All I can say is, thank God."

Weary from months of Sept. 11-induced goodwill on Capitol Hill, Americans across the country have longed for a return to good old-fashioned sniping, name-calling, and finger-pointing.

"Thank heaven those boys in Washington are starting to waste time again, denouncing each other with shrill, self-righteous indignation like in the good old days," said Hanover, NH, locksmith Herman Bochy. "It makes a man want to stand up and say, 'Dammit, we're going to make it.'" And then it's only a matter of time before communication breaks down altogether."

For the first time since Sept. 11, federal legislators are returning to politics as usual.

"When I saw all those Senate members locking arms to sing 'God Bless America' right after Sept. 11, I cried," said Jane Svoboda, 37, an Ashland, OR, homemaker. "It was almost as if the words 'Democrat' and 'Republican' didn't mean anything anymore. I said to my husband, 'Has it really come to this?' Now, as the corrupt fat cats start pursuing their own greedy, self-interest-driven agendas while hypocritically accusing their counterparts of pork-barrel politics, it's like seeing America return to greatness."

Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) insults a Democratic colleague he had treated civilly for nearly five months.

But experts warn that hard times, and the patriotic unity that comes with them, are not over.

"As long as the war on terror continues, the national nightmare of bipartisan cooperation will not completely disappear," said Joseph Nye, professor and dean of Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Government. "Osama bin Laden is still at large. U.S. servicemen are still overseas. And many victims still need our help. But slowly, our leaders are getting back to the business of firing accusations at one another while serving the narrow interests of the powerful, monied few who got them elected."

Added Nye: "You know, watching those congressmen rip into each other over this whole Enron thing on C-SPAN, you can almost forget for a minute that Sept. 11 ever happened."

With House Republicans and Democrats spending much of Monday's session trading blame for the recession-damaged economy, congressional acrimony is back—and the nation appears to be welcoming its return with open arms.

"American politics are just as ineffectual, small-minded, and short-sighted as always," Robert Novak said Saturday on CNN's The Capital Gang. "If there's one thing the terrorists cannot take away, it is our capacity for infighting. If we just pull together to get through this crisis, I have every faith that we will come apart as we always do."

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