Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering

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Vol 38 Issue 03

Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever

NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever. "Everybody's abuzz about Miranda's baby, Carrie and Aidan's breakup, and Samantha's shocking flirtation with monogamy," stated the article, which also noted that everybody, yourself included, can't stop talking about Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker's recent Golden Globe win. The article was accompanied by a sidebar containing several "spoiler" factoids for upcoming episodes, which it correctly guessed you would not want to read.

Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult

MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon that at least Lemon's wife didn't cheat on him with a floor-tile installer. "Holy shit, I just said he's putting on a bit of a spare tire," a stunned Adamle said after the exchange. "What's up his ass that he's bringing up my divorce?"

ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life equivalent to George Clooney's character on the hit NBC show ER. "He'd never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he's St. Luke's answer to Dr. Doug Ross," said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. "He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm." Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives

FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts, but not, like, doughnut-doughnuts," Phillip told second cousin Jon Colangelo. "They're not like the cakey, Dunkin' Donuts kind, but more like, you know, the ones that are more like bread, only fried or glazed or something." Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Melissa cited nearly a dozen other popular pastries for comparative purposes, prompting Colangelo to express hope that a Krispy Kreme outlet would one day open in Sioux City.

French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

The Enron Scandal

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?

Take This Job And Love It

Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate Office Supply Accountz Reeceevable posse, who took top honaz at tha officewide holiday banquet foe Best Departmental Attendance of 2001. Aw, yeah, you know how we do.
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Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering

WASHINGTON, DC—Across the nation, Americans are heartened to see that after nearly five months of unity and cooperation, petty, partisan bickering is slowly returning to the halls of Congress.

In a welcome sight, Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT) (left) and Rep. Dick Armey (R-TX) squabble unproductively on <i>Meet The Press</i>.

"With [House Majority Leader] Dick Armey attacking [Senate Majority Leader] Tom Daschle for bottlenecking the Senate, [House Democratic leader] Dick Gephardt roundly blasting Republican efforts to amend a Democratic-sponsored energy bill, and lawmakers on each side blaming the other for the return of the deficit, this terrible period of bipartisan amity seems to be ending," House Speaker Dennis Hastert told reporters Monday. "All I can say is, thank God."

Weary from months of Sept. 11-induced goodwill on Capitol Hill, Americans across the country have longed for a return to good old-fashioned sniping, name-calling, and finger-pointing.

"Thank heaven those boys in Washington are starting to waste time again, denouncing each other with shrill, self-righteous indignation like in the good old days," said Hanover, NH, locksmith Herman Bochy. "It makes a man want to stand up and say, 'Dammit, we're going to make it.'" And then it's only a matter of time before communication breaks down altogether."

For the first time since Sept. 11, federal legislators are returning to politics as usual.

"When I saw all those Senate members locking arms to sing 'God Bless America' right after Sept. 11, I cried," said Jane Svoboda, 37, an Ashland, OR, homemaker. "It was almost as if the words 'Democrat' and 'Republican' didn't mean anything anymore. I said to my husband, 'Has it really come to this?' Now, as the corrupt fat cats start pursuing their own greedy, self-interest-driven agendas while hypocritically accusing their counterparts of pork-barrel politics, it's like seeing America return to greatness."

Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) insults a Democratic colleague he had treated civilly for nearly five months.

But experts warn that hard times, and the patriotic unity that comes with them, are not over.

"As long as the war on terror continues, the national nightmare of bipartisan cooperation will not completely disappear," said Joseph Nye, professor and dean of Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Government. "Osama bin Laden is still at large. U.S. servicemen are still overseas. And many victims still need our help. But slowly, our leaders are getting back to the business of firing accusations at one another while serving the narrow interests of the powerful, monied few who got them elected."

Added Nye: "You know, watching those congressmen rip into each other over this whole Enron thing on C-SPAN, you can almost forget for a minute that Sept. 11 ever happened."

With House Republicans and Democrats spending much of Monday's session trading blame for the recession-damaged economy, congressional acrimony is back—and the nation appears to be welcoming its return with open arms.

"American politics are just as ineffectual, small-minded, and short-sighted as always," Robert Novak said Saturday on CNN's The Capital Gang. "If there's one thing the terrorists cannot take away, it is our capacity for infighting. If we just pull together to get through this crisis, I have every faith that we will come apart as we always do."

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