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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Nation Welcomes Return Of Good Old-Fashioned Partisan Bickering

WASHINGTON, DC—Across the nation, Americans are heartened to see that after nearly five months of unity and cooperation, petty, partisan bickering is slowly returning to the halls of Congress.

In a welcome sight, Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT) (left) and Rep. Dick Armey (R-TX) squabble unproductively on <i>Meet The Press</i>.

"With [House Majority Leader] Dick Armey attacking [Senate Majority Leader] Tom Daschle for bottlenecking the Senate, [House Democratic leader] Dick Gephardt roundly blasting Republican efforts to amend a Democratic-sponsored energy bill, and lawmakers on each side blaming the other for the return of the deficit, this terrible period of bipartisan amity seems to be ending," House Speaker Dennis Hastert told reporters Monday. "All I can say is, thank God."

Weary from months of Sept. 11-induced goodwill on Capitol Hill, Americans across the country have longed for a return to good old-fashioned sniping, name-calling, and finger-pointing.

"Thank heaven those boys in Washington are starting to waste time again, denouncing each other with shrill, self-righteous indignation like in the good old days," said Hanover, NH, locksmith Herman Bochy. "It makes a man want to stand up and say, 'Dammit, we're going to make it.'" And then it's only a matter of time before communication breaks down altogether."

For the first time since Sept. 11, federal legislators are returning to politics as usual.

"When I saw all those Senate members locking arms to sing 'God Bless America' right after Sept. 11, I cried," said Jane Svoboda, 37, an Ashland, OR, homemaker. "It was almost as if the words 'Democrat' and 'Republican' didn't mean anything anymore. I said to my husband, 'Has it really come to this?' Now, as the corrupt fat cats start pursuing their own greedy, self-interest-driven agendas while hypocritically accusing their counterparts of pork-barrel politics, it's like seeing America return to greatness."

Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) insults a Democratic colleague he had treated civilly for nearly five months.

But experts warn that hard times, and the patriotic unity that comes with them, are not over.

"As long as the war on terror continues, the national nightmare of bipartisan cooperation will not completely disappear," said Joseph Nye, professor and dean of Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Government. "Osama bin Laden is still at large. U.S. servicemen are still overseas. And many victims still need our help. But slowly, our leaders are getting back to the business of firing accusations at one another while serving the narrow interests of the powerful, monied few who got them elected."

Added Nye: "You know, watching those congressmen rip into each other over this whole Enron thing on C-SPAN, you can almost forget for a minute that Sept. 11 ever happened."

With House Republicans and Democrats spending much of Monday's session trading blame for the recession-damaged economy, congressional acrimony is back—and the nation appears to be welcoming its return with open arms.

"American politics are just as ineffectual, small-minded, and short-sighted as always," Robert Novak said Saturday on CNN's The Capital Gang. "If there's one thing the terrorists cannot take away, it is our capacity for infighting. If we just pull together to get through this crisis, I have every faith that we will come apart as we always do."

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