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Nation Will Always Have Fond, Vague Recollection Of Landon Donovan

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation Will Always Have Fond, Vague Recollection Of Landon Donovan

WASHINGTON—Expressing profound disappointment upon learning the soccer star had been left off the U.S. World Cup roster by manager Jurgen Klinsmann, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday they will always have a fond, somewhat vague recollection of former captain Landon Donovan. “It’s really sad that he won’t be playing in Brazil, but I’ll never forget how excited I was during the last World Cup when he scored that last-second goal to win the match—wait, that was him, right?” said 28-year-old Jared Molloy of Tampa Bay, FL, who like millions of Americans spent this week nostalgically reflecting on Donovan's long career playing for the national team at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa and wherever the one before that was. “Looking back, it’s hard to imagine the U.S. team achieving much success without him out there, you know, doing all that stuff he did. He’s definitely the greatest American player of all time.” Molloy went on to say that without Donovan, the fate of the 2014 team will likely rest on the shoulders of that other guy who plays goalie.

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