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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nation Will Always Have Fond, Vague Recollection Of Landon Donovan

WASHINGTON—Expressing profound disappointment upon learning the soccer star had been left off the U.S. World Cup roster by manager Jurgen Klinsmann, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday they will always have a fond, somewhat vague recollection of former captain Landon Donovan. “It’s really sad that he won’t be playing in Brazil, but I’ll never forget how excited I was during the last World Cup when he scored that last-second goal to win the match—wait, that was him, right?” said 28-year-old Jared Molloy of Tampa Bay, FL, who like millions of Americans spent this week nostalgically reflecting on Donovan's long career playing for the national team at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa and wherever the one before that was. “Looking back, it’s hard to imagine the U.S. team achieving much success without him out there, you know, doing all that stuff he did. He’s definitely the greatest American player of all time.” Molloy went on to say that without Donovan, the fate of the 2014 team will likely rest on the shoulders of that other guy who plays goalie.

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