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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Nation Will Always Have Fond, Vague Recollection Of Landon Donovan

WASHINGTON—Expressing profound disappointment upon learning the soccer star had been left off the U.S. World Cup roster by manager Jurgen Klinsmann, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday they will always have a fond, somewhat vague recollection of former captain Landon Donovan. “It’s really sad that he won’t be playing in Brazil, but I’ll never forget how excited I was during the last World Cup when he scored that last-second goal to win the match—wait, that was him, right?” said 28-year-old Jared Molloy of Tampa Bay, FL, who like millions of Americans spent this week nostalgically reflecting on Donovan's long career playing for the national team at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa and wherever the one before that was. “Looking back, it’s hard to imagine the U.S. team achieving much success without him out there, you know, doing all that stuff he did. He’s definitely the greatest American player of all time.” Molloy went on to say that without Donovan, the fate of the 2014 team will likely rest on the shoulders of that other guy who plays goalie.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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