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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation Wishes Area Man Were A Creep, But, Ugh, He's Actually Really Fucking Nice

WASHINGTON—Americans across the country admitted Monday that although they desperately wanted corporate lawyer Alex Saunders, 28, to be a huge creep, Christ, he's actually a super fucking nice guy. "I wanted to hate him, because he's so confident and has perfect hair and this handsome face you want to punch in, but, shit, he's just really awesome and friendly," said Houston resident Craig Diedrich, echoing the disappointment of 300 million other Americans. "Turns out he's also really great to his girlfriend. And even though she's so fucking gorgeous that she seems unapproachable, she's really nice, too. Goddamn it." The majority of the nation said that after talking to Saunders for five minutes they wanted to buy him a drink, but the successful lawyer had reportedly disappeared, only to return a few minutes later with a whole goddamned round of drinks for everyone.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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