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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Nation Wishes Area Man Were A Creep, But, Ugh, He's Actually Really Fucking Nice

WASHINGTON—Americans across the country admitted Monday that although they desperately wanted corporate lawyer Alex Saunders, 28, to be a huge creep, Christ, he's actually a super fucking nice guy. "I wanted to hate him, because he's so confident and has perfect hair and this handsome face you want to punch in, but, shit, he's just really awesome and friendly," said Houston resident Craig Diedrich, echoing the disappointment of 300 million other Americans. "Turns out he's also really great to his girlfriend. And even though she's so fucking gorgeous that she seems unapproachable, she's really nice, too. Goddamn it." The majority of the nation said that after talking to Saunders for five minutes they wanted to buy him a drink, but the successful lawyer had reportedly disappeared, only to return a few minutes later with a whole goddamned round of drinks for everyone.

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