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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Nation Wondering What Telegenic, Eloquent Grant Hill Will Do For Money After Retirement

LOS ANGELES—In response to small forward Grant Hill retiring after 19 seasons in the NBA, Americans across the country this week reportedly pondered how the telegenic, eloquent, and tremendously likeable Duke graduate will earn money now that his basketball career has concluded. “Hopefully, there’s some kind of opportunity out there for an insightful, highly regarded former professional basketball player who is good in front of the camera,” said Detroit resident Trevor Bowman, expressing concerns that the charismatic NBA expert may not find an outlet for his talents. “It would be perfect if he could get paid to talk about the NBA. I’d definitely be interested in that. Maybe he should do a podcast or something. It sucks because an attractive, personable seven-time NBA All Star with a huge fanbase probably doesn’t have a lot of options.” At press time, executives at ESPN and TNT were reportedly worried about how a soft-spoken, rational-minded former basketball player would be able to find work.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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