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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Nation Wondering What Telegenic, Eloquent Grant Hill Will Do For Money After Retirement

LOS ANGELES—In response to small forward Grant Hill retiring after 19 seasons in the NBA, Americans across the country this week reportedly pondered how the telegenic, eloquent, and tremendously likeable Duke graduate will earn money now that his basketball career has concluded. “Hopefully, there’s some kind of opportunity out there for an insightful, highly regarded former professional basketball player who is good in front of the camera,” said Detroit resident Trevor Bowman, expressing concerns that the charismatic NBA expert may not find an outlet for his talents. “It would be perfect if he could get paid to talk about the NBA. I’d definitely be interested in that. Maybe he should do a podcast or something. It sucks because an attractive, personable seven-time NBA All Star with a huge fanbase probably doesn’t have a lot of options.” At press time, executives at ESPN and TNT were reportedly worried about how a soft-spoken, rational-minded former basketball player would be able to find work.

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