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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank

LOS ANGELES—Following reports of singer Chris Brown's recent involvement in a vicious brawl over a parking space, Americans admitted Monday they would not be all that surprised at this point if news leaked that the short-fused R&B performer had somehow travelled back in time and punched Holocaust victim Anne Frank in the face. “Given all that we know about what kind of person Chris Brown is, I honestly wouldn't bat an eye if I learned he had somehow contorted the fabric of space and time in order to appear in Holland circa 1944, burst into Anne Frank’s hiding place, knocked her diary out of her hands, and assaulted her for no reason,” receptionist Theresa Galloway told reporters, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who believe that such a far-fetched scenario would “actually make perfect sense” in the context of the hotheaded pop star's past behavior. “I don’t care if it is physically impossible, it would still not really faze me too much if I saw that headline on TMZ or wherever. Nor would it shock me if he disclosed the Frank family’s location to the SS before making it back to the present to perform at the Grammy Awards. Yeah, that sounds about right.” When pressed for further comment, sources nationwide noted that the only implausible development they could think of would be if sales of Chris Brown albums were to be adversely affected in any way by such an incident.

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