Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank

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Vol 49 Issue 05

Onion Sports' Live Coverage Of Super Bowl XLVII

Highlights Pregame Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Pregame Onion Sports' Guide To Super Bowl XLVII Pregame Coverage Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl “I’m so pumped up! I can...

Hometown Wistfully Toured Via Google Street View

COLUMBUS, OH—Eleven years after last walking through his hometown, 29-year-old local man Paul Brundage reportedly spent the entire evening Friday revisiting his childhood neighborhood in Decatur, IL using the Google Maps Street View feature.
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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank

LOS ANGELES—Following reports of singer Chris Brown's recent involvement in a vicious brawl over a parking space, Americans admitted Monday they would not be all that surprised at this point if news leaked that the short-fused R&B performer had somehow travelled back in time and punched Holocaust victim Anne Frank in the face. “Given all that we know about what kind of person Chris Brown is, I honestly wouldn't bat an eye if I learned he had somehow contorted the fabric of space and time in order to appear in Holland circa 1944, burst into Anne Frank’s hiding place, knocked her diary out of her hands, and assaulted her for no reason,” receptionist Theresa Galloway told reporters, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who believe that such a far-fetched scenario would “actually make perfect sense” in the context of the hotheaded pop star's past behavior. “I don’t care if it is physically impossible, it would still not really faze me too much if I saw that headline on TMZ or wherever. Nor would it shock me if he disclosed the Frank family’s location to the SS before making it back to the present to perform at the Grammy Awards. Yeah, that sounds about right.” When pressed for further comment, sources nationwide noted that the only implausible development they could think of would be if sales of Chris Brown albums were to be adversely affected in any way by such an incident.

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