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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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National Battle of the Bands Devastates Pizza Delivery Industry

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition.

Members of the Columbus, OH, band Spacegoat perform during the first round of MTV's Battle of the Bands while their delivery vehicles sit unused.

The MTV-sponsored competition, which awards $250,000 and a recording contract with Geffen Records to the winning band, takes place over the next five weeks, effectively crippling the pizza delivery industry through the end of January.

"Two hundred pizzas were ordered today. I was able to fill six orders," said Bud Whitcomb, manager of Vinnie's Pizza in Columbus, OH. "Everybody's gone: Doug is the bassist for Spacegoat, Chad is the drummer for ClawJockey, Tina's the lead singer for The Dead Taybacks—the list goes on and on."

Pizza-loving consumers are reeling from the tragedy as well. "We used to order pizza every Sunday," said Chapel Hill, NC, resident Cathy Feazall. "But now, there's a five-day waiting list on a small pie with one topping, and even that may arrive cold."

"For a priority pizza that comes the same day, most places around here are asking $80," said Austin, TX, pizza lover Lew Futterman. "I just don't have that kind of money."

Amidst the pizza industry's woes, tens of thousands of hopeful musicians are working overtime to tighten their sets for the MTV competition. "I think we've got a good shot," said Ed Wallis, 20, an L.A.-area Domino's Pizza delivery driver and guitarist for Boba Fetish. "We've kind of got a ska-core/thrash sound, sort of a cross between No Doubt and Korn."

"Pizza delivery's okay for now," said Pete Grevstad of G.I. Joke. "But my future's in playing music."`

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