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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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National Battle of the Bands Devastates Pizza Delivery Industry

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition.

Members of the Columbus, OH, band Spacegoat perform during the first round of MTV's Battle of the Bands while their delivery vehicles sit unused.

The MTV-sponsored competition, which awards $250,000 and a recording contract with Geffen Records to the winning band, takes place over the next five weeks, effectively crippling the pizza delivery industry through the end of January.

"Two hundred pizzas were ordered today. I was able to fill six orders," said Bud Whitcomb, manager of Vinnie's Pizza in Columbus, OH. "Everybody's gone: Doug is the bassist for Spacegoat, Chad is the drummer for ClawJockey, Tina's the lead singer for The Dead Taybacks—the list goes on and on."

Pizza-loving consumers are reeling from the tragedy as well. "We used to order pizza every Sunday," said Chapel Hill, NC, resident Cathy Feazall. "But now, there's a five-day waiting list on a small pie with one topping, and even that may arrive cold."

"For a priority pizza that comes the same day, most places around here are asking $80," said Austin, TX, pizza lover Lew Futterman. "I just don't have that kind of money."

Amidst the pizza industry's woes, tens of thousands of hopeful musicians are working overtime to tighten their sets for the MTV competition. "I think we've got a good shot," said Ed Wallis, 20, an L.A.-area Domino's Pizza delivery driver and guitarist for Boba Fetish. "We've kind of got a ska-core/thrash sound, sort of a cross between No Doubt and Korn."

"Pizza delivery's okay for now," said Pete Grevstad of G.I. Joke. "But my future's in playing music."`

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