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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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National Battle of the Bands Devastates Pizza Delivery Industry

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition.

Members of the Columbus, OH, band Spacegoat perform during the first round of MTV's Battle of the Bands while their delivery vehicles sit unused.

The MTV-sponsored competition, which awards $250,000 and a recording contract with Geffen Records to the winning band, takes place over the next five weeks, effectively crippling the pizza delivery industry through the end of January.

"Two hundred pizzas were ordered today. I was able to fill six orders," said Bud Whitcomb, manager of Vinnie's Pizza in Columbus, OH. "Everybody's gone: Doug is the bassist for Spacegoat, Chad is the drummer for ClawJockey, Tina's the lead singer for The Dead Taybacks—the list goes on and on."

Pizza-loving consumers are reeling from the tragedy as well. "We used to order pizza every Sunday," said Chapel Hill, NC, resident Cathy Feazall. "But now, there's a five-day waiting list on a small pie with one topping, and even that may arrive cold."

"For a priority pizza that comes the same day, most places around here are asking $80," said Austin, TX, pizza lover Lew Futterman. "I just don't have that kind of money."

Amidst the pizza industry's woes, tens of thousands of hopeful musicians are working overtime to tighten their sets for the MTV competition. "I think we've got a good shot," said Ed Wallis, 20, an L.A.-area Domino's Pizza delivery driver and guitarist for Boba Fetish. "We've kind of got a ska-core/thrash sound, sort of a cross between No Doubt and Korn."

"Pizza delivery's okay for now," said Pete Grevstad of G.I. Joke. "But my future's in playing music."`

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