adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

National Battle of the Bands Devastates Pizza Delivery Industry

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition.

Members of the Columbus, OH, band Spacegoat perform during the first round of MTV's Battle of the Bands while their delivery vehicles sit unused.

The MTV-sponsored competition, which awards $250,000 and a recording contract with Geffen Records to the winning band, takes place over the next five weeks, effectively crippling the pizza delivery industry through the end of January.

"Two hundred pizzas were ordered today. I was able to fill six orders," said Bud Whitcomb, manager of Vinnie's Pizza in Columbus, OH. "Everybody's gone: Doug is the bassist for Spacegoat, Chad is the drummer for ClawJockey, Tina's the lead singer for The Dead Taybacks—the list goes on and on."

Pizza-loving consumers are reeling from the tragedy as well. "We used to order pizza every Sunday," said Chapel Hill, NC, resident Cathy Feazall. "But now, there's a five-day waiting list on a small pie with one topping, and even that may arrive cold."

"For a priority pizza that comes the same day, most places around here are asking $80," said Austin, TX, pizza lover Lew Futterman. "I just don't have that kind of money."

Amidst the pizza industry's woes, tens of thousands of hopeful musicians are working overtime to tighten their sets for the MTV competition. "I think we've got a good shot," said Ed Wallis, 20, an L.A.-area Domino's Pizza delivery driver and guitarist for Boba Fetish. "We've kind of got a ska-core/thrash sound, sort of a cross between No Doubt and Korn."

"Pizza delivery's okay for now," said Pete Grevstad of G.I. Joke. "But my future's in playing music."`

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close