National Endowment For The Arts Provides $80 Million To Discourage Talentless Hacks

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Good Times

National Endowment For The Arts Provides $80 Million To Discourage Talentless Hacks

The NEA says the grants will provide 5,000 struggling artists with the funding they need to succeed in retail, the service industry, or any other non-artistic pursuit of their choosing.
The NEA says the grants will provide 5,000 struggling artists with the funding they need to succeed in retail, the service industry, or any other non-artistic pursuit of their choosing.

WASHINGTON—Continuing in its mission to support excellence across a range of artistic disciplines, the National Endowment for the Arts announced Friday a new initiative allocating $80 million to discourage no-talent hacks from engaging in creative endeavors.

The independent federal agency said it intends to provide the nation’s exceptionally unskilled and deluded artists with cash grants ranging from $10,000 to $25,000 in order to sway them from continuing with their derivative and atrocious work, thereby significantly bolstering the overall quality of art in the United States.

“In order to promote a flourishing artistic climate, we must use our resources to ensure that those individuals with the least talent stay away from the arts,” NEA acting chairperson Joan Shigekawa told reporters at a press conference, flanked by existing pieces of insufferably trite art, including various examples of black-and-white photography and scrap-metal sculpture. “Providing the nation’s inept amateurs with the funding they need to pursue hobbies and professions unrelated to fine arts will revitalize this country’s creative output, furthering our goal of promoting works that aren’t a complete embarrassment.”

“The vitality and vibrancy of the American cultural landscape hinges on helping these clueless individuals realize their lack of potential,” she continued.

According to Shigekawa, the NEA is actively seeking out deserving grant recipients whose absence from the artistic community will drastically enhance it, including incompetent aspirants in the fields of collage, interpretive dance, and found poetry. While the organization is urging hopeless, awful artists to apply for its quarterly disbursements and fellowship programs, it is reportedly also calling on the directors of the nation’s printmaking workshops, alternative theatre troupes, pottery studios, and creative writing circles to nominate their most unpromising hacks.

The NEA claimed that those candidates who are unable to demonstrate an ability to create work that is not insultingly abominable will receive financial endowments enabling them to make a lasting positive impact on the nation’s overall arts scene by abandoning their creative aspirations altogether.

Shigekawa noted that these awards would also include extended residencies in various office jobs in which these talentless individuals can fully commit their energies to not producing what they consider art.

“We’re looking for a lack of aptitude, but also a specific type of unfounded confidence that, if properly stymied, will allow the arts in this country to thrive for years to come,” Shigekawa said, adding that the NEA has already reached out to numerous disgraces who specialize in the areas of street art and documentary filmmaking. “The chapbook self-publishers, the musique concrète composers, the performance artists—with these grants, we can give these people the support they need to stop what they’re doing right now.”

“The future of art depends on it,” she continued, noting that her organization is also immediately establishing a program to provide $100,000 major grants to impede the work of oblivious novices who attempt to imbue their work with any kind of political statement.

According to agency sources, the NEA has already begun considering thousands of lousy, pretentious grant applicants, having recently named its first award recipient: Austin, TX mixed media artist Edith Watt, who told reporters she is excited to have the opportunity to finally contribute something meaningful to the art world.

“After years of toiling fruitlessly, I feel like I’m finally earning the art community’s respect,” said Watt, 24, who through the NEA’s endowment program has been given a generous weekly stipend that she stands to forfeit in the event she is caught resuming work on her insipid, banal compositions. “This grant has helped me realize the things that I’m incapable of, and it has allowed me to achieve the dream that so many others have had for me since I first started out as an artist.”

“If only more artists could have this opportunity,” Watt added.