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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions

NEW YORK—Citing a stark decrease in written submissions since 1994, representatives of the Michel de Montaigne National Essay Writing Contest announced yesterday that for the first time in the competition's 134-year history, video submissions would be accepted in lieu of skillfully written analysis. "After rereading last year's half dozen written submissions, two of which were just e-mails describing how 'awesome' the attached YouTube video was, we realized that our standards needed to be refocused if the contest had hope of continuing," spokeswoman Sarah Glass said of the writing competition, whose past winners include Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and William Faulkner. "Though we would prefer to judge the written word, entrants can now address this year's topic—"Dos Passos To Ellison: Prose In The American City"—using music, movie clips, and flash animation. I'm sure Montaigne would be proud." Last year's winning essay, titled "James Joyce Is Weird," was reportedly 400 words long, but did fulfill the minimum five-page requirement.

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