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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions

NEW YORK—Citing a stark decrease in written submissions since 1994, representatives of the Michel de Montaigne National Essay Writing Contest announced yesterday that for the first time in the competition's 134-year history, video submissions would be accepted in lieu of skillfully written analysis. "After rereading last year's half dozen written submissions, two of which were just e-mails describing how 'awesome' the attached YouTube video was, we realized that our standards needed to be refocused if the contest had hope of continuing," spokeswoman Sarah Glass said of the writing competition, whose past winners include Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and William Faulkner. "Though we would prefer to judge the written word, entrants can now address this year's topic—"Dos Passos To Ellison: Prose In The American City"—using music, movie clips, and flash animation. I'm sure Montaigne would be proud." Last year's winning essay, titled "James Joyce Is Weird," was reportedly 400 words long, but did fulfill the minimum five-page requirement.

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