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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions

NEW YORK—Citing a stark decrease in written submissions since 1994, representatives of the Michel de Montaigne National Essay Writing Contest announced yesterday that for the first time in the competition's 134-year history, video submissions would be accepted in lieu of skillfully written analysis. "After rereading last year's half dozen written submissions, two of which were just e-mails describing how 'awesome' the attached YouTube video was, we realized that our standards needed to be refocused if the contest had hope of continuing," spokeswoman Sarah Glass said of the writing competition, whose past winners include Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and William Faulkner. "Though we would prefer to judge the written word, entrants can now address this year's topic—"Dos Passos To Ellison: Prose In The American City"—using music, movie clips, and flash animation. I'm sure Montaigne would be proud." Last year's winning essay, titled "James Joyce Is Weird," was reportedly 400 words long, but did fulfill the minimum five-page requirement.

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