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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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National Filmstrip Board Calls For Quiet

WASHINGTON, DC—Insisting that "this is important, people," the National Filmstrip Board called for quiet Monday, urging U.S. citizens to observe proper decorum and be respectful during the showing of its latest filmstrip, Nation Of Good Listeners. "Come on, come on, come on," National Filmstrip Board executive director Madeline Herricks said. "Clear your desks and let's get settled, Americans." Herricks added that if citizens fail to keep their lips zipped, she may be forced to turn off the filmstrip and order all Americans to put their heads down on their desks. "You know, we don't have to have a filmstrip at all," Herricks told the populace. "This is supposed to be a nice change of pace for you. We could just have another census if you'd prefer."

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