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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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National Interest In Anything Hovering Around 3 Percent

PRINCETON, NJ–A Gallup poll released Monday reveals that only 3 percent of Americans describe themselves as "interested" or "very interested" in anything whatsoever. "America is hard-pressed to get excited about tonight's episode of Spin City, much less the situation in Chechnya," Gallup spokeswoman Jill Pierce said. "I guess there's just not all that much going on right now."

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