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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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National Sex-Boat Industry Facing Financial Trouble

ST. PAUL, MN—Spokespeople for the waterborne-luxury-adult-tourism organization American Sex-Boat Owners Group said Wednesday that unknown factors have caused a sudden and perhaps catastrophic decline in sex-boat business. "We're not sure exactly what happened, as the late summer and early fall are usually our top earning seasons, especially in cities such as Oakland, Minneapolis, Dallas, and Atlanta," said ASOG board president Candace Greiling, whose 80-foot sex-yacht, the S.S. Ronald Mexico, was put into off-season dry-dock after several regular customers canceled cruises with almost no warning. "Captains and cruise directors alike are wondering if they'll have gainful, sexual, nautical employment next summer." The ASOG did not give reasons for the falloff in business, but some speculate that a sudden inexplicable increase in moral behavior among young millionaires with ample free time may be to blame.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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