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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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National Sex-Boat Industry Facing Financial Trouble

ST. PAUL, MN—Spokespeople for the waterborne-luxury-adult-tourism organization American Sex-Boat Owners Group said Wednesday that unknown factors have caused a sudden and perhaps catastrophic decline in sex-boat business. "We're not sure exactly what happened, as the late summer and early fall are usually our top earning seasons, especially in cities such as Oakland, Minneapolis, Dallas, and Atlanta," said ASOG board president Candace Greiling, whose 80-foot sex-yacht, the S.S. Ronald Mexico, was put into off-season dry-dock after several regular customers canceled cruises with almost no warning. "Captains and cruise directors alike are wondering if they'll have gainful, sexual, nautical employment next summer." The ASOG did not give reasons for the falloff in business, but some speculate that a sudden inexplicable increase in moral behavior among young millionaires with ample free time may be to blame.

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