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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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National Trust For Historic Preservation To Pay For Andy Rooney's Upkeep

NEW YORK—The National Trust For Historic Preservation announced Monday that private fundraising efforts will allow the organization to maintain dilapidated, run-down CBS commentator Andy Rooney through 2016. "Although we lack the funds and expertise to rebuild Rooney completely, future generations can come to know this irascible curmudgeon the same way we do," said NTHP president Richard Moe. "It is important that this vital artifact from America's rich past not be left to suffer the same fate as New York's Penn Station or Walter Cronkite." When informed of the $25 million endowment, Rooney made a phlegm-laced three-minute speech on the first ten things that came to his mind for which the money would be far better suited.

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