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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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National Trust For Historic Preservation To Pay For Andy Rooney's Upkeep

NEW YORK—The National Trust For Historic Preservation announced Monday that private fundraising efforts will allow the organization to maintain dilapidated, run-down CBS commentator Andy Rooney through 2016. "Although we lack the funds and expertise to rebuild Rooney completely, future generations can come to know this irascible curmudgeon the same way we do," said NTHP president Richard Moe. "It is important that this vital artifact from America's rich past not be left to suffer the same fate as New York's Penn Station or Walter Cronkite." When informed of the $25 million endowment, Rooney made a phlegm-laced three-minute speech on the first ten things that came to his mind for which the money would be far better suited.

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