adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
End Of Section
  • More News

Nationals Ensure Strasburg Doesn't Pitch By Removing Tendons From Arm

WASHINGTON—With Stephen Strasburg reaching his innings limit for the year, Nationals personnel announced plans Sunday to shut down the star pitcher for the remainder of the regular season and playoffs by removing several tendons from his right arm. "Basically, we're going to sneak in, chloroform him, and rip out various connective tissue important for pitching," said manager Davey Johnson, who reasoned that Strasburg can't injure his arm if he can't move it. "Stras won't be happy about being unable to lift things or hold stuff, but in the long term it's better this way, because even if he wants to pitch, he won't be able to." Johnson confirmed the Nationals will give the tendons back to Strasburg shortly before spring training next year.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close