adBlockCheck

Nationals Ensure Strasburg Doesn't Pitch By Removing Tendons From Arm

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Holidays

Nationals Ensure Strasburg Doesn't Pitch By Removing Tendons From Arm

WASHINGTON—With Stephen Strasburg reaching his innings limit for the year, Nationals personnel announced plans Sunday to shut down the star pitcher for the remainder of the regular season and playoffs by removing several tendons from his right arm. "Basically, we're going to sneak in, chloroform him, and rip out various connective tissue important for pitching," said manager Davey Johnson, who reasoned that Strasburg can't injure his arm if he can't move it. "Stras won't be happy about being unable to lift things or hold stuff, but in the long term it's better this way, because even if he wants to pitch, he won't be able to." Johnson confirmed the Nationals will give the tendons back to Strasburg shortly before spring training next year.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close