adBlockCheck

Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years

Top Headlines

Local

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years

The amateur skateboarder above fell on his back 84 times in March 2004.
The amateur skateboarder above fell on his back 84 times in March 2004.

BERKELEY, CA—Having completed a long-term analysis of skateboarding activity at every skate park, public plaza, parking lot, and suburban cul-de-sac in the United States, researchers at the University of California reported this week that not one of the nation’s 19 million amateur skateboarders has successfully landed a single trick since 2001.

The multi-decade study, which will be published in this month’s Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, found no instances in which non-professionals were able to ride on a skateboard, propel themselves and their board into the air, perform a maneuver of any sort, and then land back on the deck and continue to ride as they had before the jump.

The report confirmed that not a single ollie, nollie, kickturn, heelflip, frontside 180, backside 180, or fakie has been landed in over a decade. In addition, 100 percent of handrail grinds resulted in subjects landing on their shoulders while nearby acquaintances laughed at them.

“Since 2001, recreational skateboarders have tried to perform 8.4 billion tricks and have successfully executed zero of them,” said social anthropologist and the report’s lead author Richard Burbridge, who confirmed that the overwhelming majority of failed attempts occurred after one of the riders remarked to another, “Hey, check this out.” “As it turns out, not a single amateur has landed anything since July of 2001, when a then 14-year-old boy by the name of Derek Wilcox carried out a basic ollie on an outdoor tennis court in Pasadena. And even then he didn’t get much height.”

“Of course, our figures show that Wilcox subsequently missed his next 160,000 attempts, including 208 just last Wednesday alone,” Burbridge continued.

According to the study’s findings, 28 percent of all amateur skateboarding stunts attempted between 2001 and 2013 resulted in the subject falling to the pavement, 23 percent involved the skateboard landing upside-down at least three feet away from the rider, 13 percent ended when the subject clipped the curb and stumbled headlong onto a lawn or sidewalk, 11 percent involved the skateboard somehow shooting back the opposite direction while the rider ran a few frantic steps forward to keep his balance, and a full one quarter concluded with the subject on the ground grimacing and holding their shin as their skateboard rolled off without them an additional 25 feet.

Moreover, the study confirmed that nine of every 10 maneuvers attempted by amateur skateboarders were “not even close,” and that over half the individuals observed were simply incapable of getting their skateboards off the ground at all.

“What’s interesting about the millions of subjects we studied is how their constant and unrelenting failure appeared to have no effect in deterring them from this behavior,” researcher Lois Pittner said. “Even after a particularly inept, embarrassing, or injurious attempt, these individuals typically got right back up and horribly botched another skateboard trick. This demographic simply never improves and continues messing up tricks day after day for years on end, often quite publicly.”

“In fact,” added Pittner, “among the recreational skateboarding cohort, the continuous inability to perform any trick at all appears to be their single most defining trait.”

In spite of the total lack of completed tricks, researchers noted that the past 12 years have not been uneventful, as recreational skateboarders have broken over 17 million bones, sustained 21.6 million concussions, and wound up sprawled at the bottom of a public park staircase 500 million times.

Additionally, Pittner confirmed that the phrase “Dude, you almost nailed it” is uttered, on average, 875,000 times a day.

When interviewed, however, the vast majority of pre-adolescent, teenage, and adult skateboarders expressed optimism at their prospects for completing a skateboarding maneuver.

“I’m getting really close to being able to do a frontside grind across this bench,” said Billy Lifton, 20, of Lawrence, KS, who like an estimated 98 percent of all nonprofessional skateboarders has never landed a single trick in his life. “This is going to be so sick.”

At press time, Lifton and an estimated 18,000 others were frantically clutching their tailbones.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close