Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years

Top Headlines

Local

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years

The amateur skateboarder above fell on his back 84 times in March 2004.
The amateur skateboarder above fell on his back 84 times in March 2004.

BERKELEY, CA—Having completed a long-term analysis of skateboarding activity at every skate park, public plaza, parking lot, and suburban cul-de-sac in the United States, researchers at the University of California reported this week that not one of the nation’s 19 million amateur skateboarders has successfully landed a single trick since 2001.

The multi-decade study, which will be published in this month’s Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, found no instances in which non-professionals were able to ride on a skateboard, propel themselves and their board into the air, perform a maneuver of any sort, and then land back on the deck and continue to ride as they had before the jump.

The report confirmed that not a single ollie, nollie, kickturn, heelflip, frontside 180, backside 180, or fakie has been landed in over a decade. In addition, 100 percent of handrail grinds resulted in subjects landing on their shoulders while nearby acquaintances laughed at them.

“Since 2001, recreational skateboarders have tried to perform 8.4 billion tricks and have successfully executed zero of them,” said social anthropologist and the report’s lead author Richard Burbridge, who confirmed that the overwhelming majority of failed attempts occurred after one of the riders remarked to another, “Hey, check this out.” “As it turns out, not a single amateur has landed anything since July of 2001, when a then 14-year-old boy by the name of Derek Wilcox carried out a basic ollie on an outdoor tennis court in Pasadena. And even then he didn’t get much height.”

“Of course, our figures show that Wilcox subsequently missed his next 160,000 attempts, including 208 just last Wednesday alone,” Burbridge continued.

According to the study’s findings, 28 percent of all amateur skateboarding stunts attempted between 2001 and 2013 resulted in the subject falling to the pavement, 23 percent involved the skateboard landing upside-down at least three feet away from the rider, 13 percent ended when the subject clipped the curb and stumbled headlong onto a lawn or sidewalk, 11 percent involved the skateboard somehow shooting back the opposite direction while the rider ran a few frantic steps forward to keep his balance, and a full one quarter concluded with the subject on the ground grimacing and holding their shin as their skateboard rolled off without them an additional 25 feet.

Moreover, the study confirmed that nine of every 10 maneuvers attempted by amateur skateboarders were “not even close,” and that over half the individuals observed were simply incapable of getting their skateboards off the ground at all.

“What’s interesting about the millions of subjects we studied is how their constant and unrelenting failure appeared to have no effect in deterring them from this behavior,” researcher Lois Pittner said. “Even after a particularly inept, embarrassing, or injurious attempt, these individuals typically got right back up and horribly botched another skateboard trick. This demographic simply never improves and continues messing up tricks day after day for years on end, often quite publicly.”

“In fact,” added Pittner, “among the recreational skateboarding cohort, the continuous inability to perform any trick at all appears to be their single most defining trait.”

In spite of the total lack of completed tricks, researchers noted that the past 12 years have not been uneventful, as recreational skateboarders have broken over 17 million bones, sustained 21.6 million concussions, and wound up sprawled at the bottom of a public park staircase 500 million times.

Additionally, Pittner confirmed that the phrase “Dude, you almost nailed it” is uttered, on average, 875,000 times a day.

When interviewed, however, the vast majority of pre-adolescent, teenage, and adult skateboarders expressed optimism at their prospects for completing a skateboarding maneuver.

“I’m getting really close to being able to do a frontside grind across this bench,” said Billy Lifton, 20, of Lawrence, KS, who like an estimated 98 percent of all nonprofessional skateboarders has never landed a single trick in his life. “This is going to be so sick.”

At press time, Lifton and an estimated 18,000 others were frantically clutching their tailbones.